It’s early March and this fucking snow isn’t going anywhere. After spending pretty much the entire month of February off of school due to “dangerous campus conditions,” getting wasted with your bros and smashing snow men that all those fucking #80 losers made around campus, you’re sick of this shit. If you hear one more “yellow snow” joke you’re going to fucking lose it. You even heard some rumor that there might actually be make-up classes. Fuck that shit. The only make-up that a bro ever should have to deal with shows up on their pillowcase the mornings after a midnight ride to Pound Town. Not only is all this snow about to make you lose your fucking mind, but you’re on a cold streak of epic proportions. Sure it’s only been like three weeks since getting dome from that chick with the weird eyebrows in a bathroom two dudes had already #48 puked in, but it might as well have been three fucking years ago. Just when you’re thinking that even that Olympic luger had better luck than you do, you stop yourself. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. After struggling through a month and a half of sleeping through classes, getting wasted five nights a week, and #65 cheating your way to a C on your midterm, it’s time for some “Me” time. That's right - it's motherfucking Spring Break.
I have no idea who invented Spring Break, probably Jesus or something, but whoever it was, he was definitely a fucking bro. Honestly, I dare anyone out there to bring up Spring Break with a group of bros. There is no fucking way that some sort of “SPRING BREAK” #4 chant doesn’t immediately break out. Bros plan all year long for Spring Break to get here, and when it arrives bros are as excited as Daniel Snyder the night before the first day of free agency. I mean seriously, who could blame them, Spring Break is the fucking bro Mecca. So why do bros love Spring Break so much? Let’s take a look.
Constant Drunkenness – In a perfect world, a bro would get fucking hammered nonstop every fucking day. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. There are bro haters everywhere using bigoted words such as “alcoholics” to put us down. That’s why Spring Break is so fucking amazing. All those fucking bro bigots are nowhere to be seen. They’re carrying on their fucking loser ways of Interning, applying to grad school, or worst of all, participating in some community service trip. Spring Break brings together bros and slam pieces alike who share one goal – not being able to remember a fucking thing about the entire week. Spring Break is like the Triple Crown of drinking and your liver is the horse. The entire week you are beating the shit out of your liver to keep up with the rest of the bros, and just like in horse racing, if your “horse” pulls a Barbaro, you still go down as a fucking legend. Anyone that drinks himself to death on Spring Break is a definitely a fucking Bro King.
Cheap – Everyone fucking knows bros are rich as shit. But please, the point of Spring Break is not to drop like 10K from your fucking trust fund on some tropical resort in Bali. The point of Spring Break is to go to some shitty ass resort in some town that only caters to College Students so there’s no chance so seeing anyone over the age of 30. Have you ever heard of people going to South Padre Island or Panama City on a family vacation even though they are cheap as shit? No. Because they're fucking shitholes. Bros also will throw like 10 guys into a fucking room because let’s be honest, there’s no fucking chance you’ll be sleeping in the room anyways. You’re a bro - your dick doesn’t have a chance in hell of staying dry one night, much less an entire fucking week.
Slam Pieces Everywhere – Unlike our Parents and Grandparents who grew up with movies telling them Spring Break involved some shitty band playing on the beach while a bunch of women in horned-rimmed glasses and one-piece bikinis that went down to their knees did “The Swim” dance and screamed like fucking banshees, we were told the truth. Thanks to MTV’s Spring Break and perhaps the greatest series of film that has ever been passed over for awards by The Academy, “Girls Gone Wild,” bros and slam pieces alike know exactly what is expected at Spring Break: meaningless anonymous sex. Honestly, if you can’t get laid at Spring Break, you seriously might want to think about joining the priesthood, because there’s no hope for you. I always love to hear girls talk about how they “met someone special on Spring Break” and “hope to make it work even though we’re 10 hours apart.” Yeah fucking right – newsflash - the only reason he even accepted your facebook friendship is so he can show people pictures of the girl he banged next to the #52 Senor Frogs dumpster.
While bros have contributed much to society over the years (beer bongs, the backwards cap, etc.), society gives little back. Spring Break is one of the few handouts that society provides us with and you better believe we take that shit. Drink until you puke in the pool. Pull off that upper-decker. Throw chairs off the hotel balcony in a drunken rage. Bang that girl you met 10 minutes ago #24 without the condom. It’s your Spring Break. You’ve earned it.