Bros take pride. Bros take pride in the fact that they drank for like 13 hours straight last Saturday and were still able to seal the deal with that tall bitch they met at the bar. Bros take pride in the fact that they’ve been able to slay like 25 girls so far this semester. Bros take pride in the fact that they woke up this morning only to see thirteen jars of Hellman’s Mayonnaise they #2 stole from Wawa last night nestled in bed with them. Bros take pride in a whole lot of shit that they do, and honestly, who the fuck is going to blame them? I mean, when it’s been scientifically proven that you are one of the smartest people on the fucking planet, it’s hard not to take pride in everything you do. Say you beer bonged like 6 beers at once and even threw in a couple old birth control pills just to get really fucked up. Of course you’re going to tell people about that shit. It’s an accomplishment. You need to be recognized and honored for your greatness. While these moments of heroism come and go and usually are overlooked by the Liberal media, much like everything bros do, there is one thing about bros that everyone and their fucking mother needs to know: they were fucking awesome in high school.
I always love all those TV shows and moviesportraying high school as being a time where kids are going through an awkward stage where they can’t even get a date to the school dance, much less have their first kiss. What kind of fucking science-fiction is this shit? It’s definitely not about bros. Bros fucking dominated high school. And first kiss? Yeah fucking right – bros were getting handies during recess back in 7th grade on the tetherball court from girls like 3 years older than them. Bros don’t even remember what it was like to be a virgin because they lost that shit so long ago.
A lot of times, after a classic night of bros being bros aka getting fucking wasted and #97 taking a dump in your random freshman roommate’s hamper to get back at him for yelling at you because you #36 pissed all over his laptop when you were blacked out, you might be met with questions such as, “What happened to you along the way that made you into this animal.” After calling him a fucking bro-hater and telling him he got what he deserved for raising his voice to a fucking bro, it’s time to explain exactly how fucking awesome you were in high school. Here are a few things that bros fucking love about their high school careers.
Drinking – I always love all those kids who come to College and have never drank before in their lives, then have like two beers and start pretending they’re fucking Legolas and re-enacting scenes from “Lord of The Rings.” Since bros are smart as shit, they realized from a young age that your ability to drink determines the amount of respect you are given, so you better fucking believe they have high tolerances. Bros were always the freshmen that were invited to the senior parties in high school. Bros love calling people who never drank before “lightweights.” Being a lightweight automatically makes you a fucking loser.
Sports – You better fucking believe bros dominated in every sport back in high school. Whether it was basketball, wrestling, football, or lacrosse, it doesn’t really matter – one thing is for sure though, bros were always All-State or All-District. At some point in their career, bros played against some #67 big name College or Pro player and you better fucking believe they shut him down. Bros will then finish their claim to fame by talking about how some of the big name programs were recruiting them but then they blew out their knee so they lost their scholarship. Bros will then tell you it’s much better this way because if they played D-1 ball they wouldn’t be able to get fucked up as much.
Friends – No matter how fucking crazy you and your bros are at College, every bro will always claim, “Bro, you need to hang out with my bros from home. Those mother fuckers are fucking insane.” Bros love talking about all the crazy shit they used to do with their high school friends and whenever they are coming to visit, they will have a countdown going. Bros will then put out a warning to the entire fucking campus via facebook status telling everyone that the fucking wrecking crew is coming to town and that they better watch the fuck out. Once the wrecking crew shows up they will immediately start pounding brews and looking at facebook pictures of the sluts that they’ll be banging on their stay.
Bros don’t transform into the perfect people that they are overnight. While their #109 good looks may have been with them for their entire life, other parts of their greatness need to be developed. The first day of College marks the beginning of your epic bro career. For the next 5+ years you will be the fucking Gods of campus – but this is nothing new. After all, you just spent the past four years sitting atop your throne.