Wednesday, June 9, 2010

#122 Texting

Throughout the history of time, there have been certain technological and scientific advances that have benefited bros more than any other group in society. The Red Zone Channel, Internet porn, and #24 the morning after aka "murder pill" immediately come to mind. But above all these incredible innovations lies something that would have made our Great-Grandparents threaten to burn us at the stake like all those slut witches back in the day. The idea of “typing into a phone” would have sounded fucking insane just 10 years ago, but thankfully, unlike society, technological developers are dedicated to Bro Rights. Through hard work and determination and no doubt many lives lost, tech geeks put aside the fact that they will die a virgin to help out a group much-overlooked by society’s brocist reign of terror: the bros. Thank you Techie nerds for all your hard work and “holding out for marriage to avoid STDs” because bros fucking love Texting.

Texting is the fucking shit. I still remember the first time I discovered texting. I sent one to my buddy saying something really important along the lines of, “Fuck you,” or “I banged your Mom.” Over the years texting has evolved and you better fucking believe bros are taking advantage of that shit. Let’s take a look at a few of the things that bros fucking love about texting.

No Conversations: Have you ever seen a girl get out of class or work? Immediately she gets on the phone and starts fucking yammering away, most likely about how awesome bros are or which Twilight character’s “team” she’s on. Bros don’t have time for that bullshit. We have much more important shit to take care of – like getting fucking wasted and banging slam pieces. Texting lets bros get the message across quickly without any fucking fanfare. “Where you at?” “What time you getting there?” or “Did you end up banging that #3 slut?” are all common bro texts that not only get the point across, but also avoid time wasting bullshit like “Hello,” “How are you?” or “Goodbye.”

Funny as Shit – Fact: Bros are fucking hilarious. Bros have been sending funny texts about all the shit they do to one another way before bro haters started writing fake shit and submitting it to Texts From Last Night. Unlike all those fucking #80 losers praying that their area code gets on the mainpage of a website, bros actually live that shit. Say there’s something that absolutely has to be shared with all your bros – like that you just #97 took a massive dump on a car windshield – you better believe you’re sending out a mass text. Or what happens when you finally bang “#28 Big Tits Bartender” – you immediately have to let your bros know about that shit. Thanks to texts – your bros won’t have to wait to hear that you banged her in an #52 alley while some homeless man slept nearby.

Effortless Sex – When a bro gets a girl’s phone number, he doesn’t wait three days to #49 call just so the girl doesn’t think he’s “too into her.” He doesn’t get all nervous and practice what he’s going to say to ask her out on a #75 date. Fuck that. When a bro gets a number he uses it for one thing and one thing only: late night booty-texts. Now, under normal circumstances a girl might be offended if a guy didn’t call for a week and the first contact made (other than a facebook friendship to check out bikini pics) is a 2am Saturday night text saying: “Want to hang out?” but please, we’re not taking about normal guys here – we’re talking about fucking bros. Bros might as well just text “All Aboard” to slam pieces, because there’s only one thing that a late night text from a bro means: the Pound Town Express is about to leave the fucking station.

So, this weekend, as the bartenders scream “Last Call for Alcohol!” and you start sifting through your phone to find who you can Text-for-Sex, think back to all those hard working Techie nerds who made the sacrifices to protect and foster the Bro Rights that you fucking deserve. Give them a nod, because while Lord knows they won’t be getting laid tonight, you better fucking believe you will. All Hail, Texting. All Hail, Bros.

58 comments:

Anonymous said...

NYB youve done it again.. another classic

Anonymous said...

spot on NYB, who wants to waste their time talking on a phone anyways

Anonymous said...

classic and early in the day. good post nyb

Anonymous said...

Fraternity listservs are a crucial form of brommunication for sharing funny stories--as soon as one of my bros bangs the only one-legged midget in the greater New York area, you better believe that that shit's getting sent out on the listserv.

BROvak Djokovich said...

genius post, as usual - but you forgot one thing, pics. what true bro has a phone without dirty pics some slut texted to him?

Anonymous said...

texting = sexting
Nothing better than getting some nice nudies from a slampiece and then forwarding the pics to all your bros. We all know how the bro got the pics in the first place too, the text saying "dump em out" and then the picture was received 15 seconds later

Vincent Van Bro said...

Huge fan of the late night booty text. Also a fan of "booty grazing", which is when you send out a mass, generic text to a group of slam pieces like "what you up to" and just weed out the responses.

Rock on bros. shout out to my man DP and Burke

Living with Balls said...

Sending your bros pictures of your most recent bowel movements is what texting was invented for!

Anonymous said...

Texting+Slam Pieces=Very Bro

JimBro Fisher said...

We'll never understand how it works, but the fact that i can type a few simple words and send it to a drunk slam piece and that slut is immediately reading what i wrote and getting wet to it is a clear sign that God loves bros. Though society may be against us, they have obviously become avid users of our effortless communication and for that we should be proud. Our understanding of the level of effort some things require is perfect, and telling your bros who you just iced or boned is one of those things that needs to be done, but in a timely fucking manner. Talking on the phone seriously blows.

Good work NYB, loved the call out of bro-hating GDIs and their fake TextsFromLastNight posts.

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

Bros fucking Love texting. It is by far the easiest way to get laid/make your bro's laugh.
I'll never forget looking down at my phone one day and getting a picture of the most massive shit I've ever seen in the upper deck of one of my bros toilets. He had to cut it up with a plastic knife to get it to flush down. I would never have known about this epic occasion if it weren't for the miracle of texting.

Anonymous said...

Serious question. I know there are a bunch of readers of this blog who either went to public school or go to community college, so guys (not bros), help me out with this question. Can you text with your pre-paid phones? I know you get like 60 minutes of talk time per month, and unlimited 911 calls, but can you actually text your homeboys? I really am curious. Same thing with your ringtone. I know you want to have a Linkin Park song as your ringer, so can you do that with your Cricket pre-paid? Thanks in advance.

Jonathan Broews said...

Bras want bros to call them like three days after they give their numbers hoping that the bro will ask them out on a date but fuck that. All bros do with those digits is get some late night ass next time their shitfaced. Good work NYB

Double Bro7 said...

Love the late night texting. A Bro King I know has penned the following classics post 2 AM:
Are you up for a game of Balderdash?
Want to play Bumper pool?
And the classic "Come over I want to spray you"

Licensed To Bro

Anonymous said...

NYB have you ever heard of Blue Mountain State? I just got into it but it is this site you should check it out.

Farts McPoop aka The King of BROatia said...

This anonymous bro-hater needs to back the fuck off. Every one knows that bros don't use pre-paid phones. Most bros I know get on the family plan so we can save our money for drinking beers all night, which always leads to bonin a slam-piece. One time I sexted this slut a pic of me taking a massive dump and she still came over to me and my bros house and blew me in that very same bathroom. Needless to say, without texting, I may have had to wait a week or more to seal the deal. Bros love texting. bros don't have crickets. Bros fuckin rule.

Anonymous said...

well said broatia. i was just thinking the same thing. seriously, who has ever seen a bro using a pre-paid phone? answer: fucking no one. long live bros.

Anonymous said...

Discussion question:

Do only the true bros have iphones?

Anonymous said...

True bros definitely rock broberry's.

With bbm you can have a group with all your bros in it. No need to waste time mass texting you can just post all your shit in the group chat, pictures and all. Iphones are for hipters and emo kids.

C-3PBro said...

Nothin' like sendin' a slam-piece that late night "Where you at?" text knowing she knows full well her ticket has just been punched. Texting is clutch for so many bro things. Fuck yeah NYB. Bro hard bros, bro hard.

BROsaurus rex said...

the blackberry is the phone of the bro. i had a droid and instantly the slam pieces ran away. now that ive switched back to the bro-gods device. the PT express is back. texting is the bro way. long live the text.

Brothesda said...

Bros, an amazing story has come to my attention. It looks like all is going well for bros in training:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/09/AR2010060905925.html

The only terrible part of this story is the fact that I did not think of it first.

Anonymous said...

Amazing article. These are future bro-kings of America right here.

Wid F'bio said...

NYB, you're the fucking man.

Bro points if you send out a mass text to multiple cum-dumpsters at the same time? Multiple positive responses? 2 girls in night staggard at different times? Same time? Making house calls? Endless possibilities.

When it doubt, fuckin' bro it out.

Anonymous said...

"ALLL ABOARD!"
cant wait to use that, I know she is going to just say "what" and pretend like she is doing something until she comes over 5 minutes later.

-the bro

Anonymous said...

Notice I asked the question to public school graduates and community college all-stars. Aka, not bros. I just know this site is full of those kind of guys who claim to be bros.

StrasBrog37 said...

Godammit NYB, well done.

Anonymous said...

As a Techie nerd, I'm glad I could provide such a service to the Bro community. My only wish is to become more of a Bro by imitating the ridiculous shit that's recorded on this site

Jay D said...

Fucking love texting. you can talk to slam pieces while your slamming slam pieces. and they have no way of knowing. if they ask who it is you just tell them to shut up and go back to work,

Dick Fitzerwell said...

The best text I ever received:

"Got my lady friend!"

Bonetown...where the pullout method is 100% effective. (chest bump)

Friendly NeighBRO said...

Don't forget about sexting, and by "sexting" I mean "slam pieces sending tit pics via text." Sexting was not invented by loser middle schoolers trying to hurt feelings (contray to what bro-haters creating the anti-sexting commercials imply), but by fucking bros previewing what they're doing after the bars close. Long live mobile technology, long live BROS!

Brony Montana said...

After blacking out texting allows you to figure out what slampieces you spit game to. You can also figure at what shit you broke/took a shit on/stole because even though you were blacked out you better fucking believe you can still text and make sense unlike bro haters who get drunk and invent a new language. Blacked out or not your bros gotta know you just stole the nearest light up McDonalds arches and stuck it in the front yard of the fat sorority.

Bros fucking rule.

Notorious B.R.O said...

reminds me of this girl i had lock everynight i was hammered...dun dun dun...she gets the infamous 3 am text hey come pick me up and we can go back and "hangout"...welcome to the jungle!

Anonymous said...

Brothesda,

i went to dematha and fucking hated landon kids but my opinion was completely reversed when i saw that these 9th grade future bros named one team "The Southside Slampigs". These little fuckers are destined for bro glory.

great post nyb. my favorite is when these dumb sluts are asleep in bed, completely sober and get the late night text that simply says "?" and they respond back "u woke me up u dick. yea ill be over in 5". long live texting. long live bros.

BROshon Moreno said...

Vincent Van Bro-

You are spot-on, bro. The mass text to a pool of slampieces at 2:00 am works everytime. We call it fishing. Throw out a bunch of lines, see which one gets you a bite. And by bite, I mean one-way ticket to Pound Town. Plus, you're laying ground work for the next afternoon/night with the other bras. Bros are geniuses. Society should thank us.

Anonymous said...

Brothesda, wiki the spur posse.

BPs broking because they fuck shit up said...

Cmon bros, it's an iPhone world. blackberrys and palms were great, but apple is blowing them away.

$Big-Easy$ said...

Sending out the mass texts to all the slampieces is where its at! My phone was lighting up like the fourth of July last night. It's good to be a bro. Peace out fuckers.

p.s. iPhones are for queersexuals and slampieces.

Oskar said...

Fellow bros, i don't know whether this is the right place for this question.... but i thought i would ask it here. I'm a bro in high school which is bitchin, next year is my senior year and i still haven't decided where to go to college. My grades allow me to go wherever the fuck i want, IVY league included....but FUCK THAT. All i wonna do in college is smoke weed, drink hook up with slam pieces and just party day & night in an insane frat house with fellow bros.
Please bros reccomend a couple of schools and frats for me.

Anonymous said...

A bro can have any sick phone, but a bro can definitely not pose a "discussion question." stay away from this site anonymous bro-hater.

Anonymous said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/09/opinion/09dowd.html

This says it better

Anonymous said...

I sent my first text 7 years ago and have embraced it as a way of life. Gotta have that full keyboard too.

And dude talking about pre-paid cells, I thought all bros remained on their rich ass parents family plan like the other guy said, so we can save money for alcohol and weed. I haven't paid a cell phone bill since the invent of the family plan.

Also I was given a house where the only bill I have to pay is my cable and internet. It makes it real easy to continue my lifestyle of 85% of my income going to partying as hard as possible.

Shaquille brO'Neal said...

The late night sexting is the staple of any bro's arsenal.
Every bro knows how to get the slam piece's # while he's #8 rolling deep.
Then while he's hunting for more slam piece's, he can text one already at the bar to take home.
Texting is like fishing with dynamite and I hope that bros can look forward to future technological advancements, such as this.

Anonymous said...

oskar,

if your smart enough to go ivy you should check out William & Mary. After all NYB is an alumnus and we all should follow in his footsteps.

Anonymous said...

cant forget picture messaging, theres nothing more bro than having some stupid slut send you a pic of those tis because your bored in class and know that she'll do anything to please a bro

Anonymous said...

i'm not really understanding all this 'burner' hate. i use a burner and get no disrespect from my bros, not to mention i am texting a slampiece on it right now. i've owned smartphones but seriously there's no point in me owning one, that shit gets broken/lost/thrown at something in less than a month. i get unlimited everything on my shit bro, plenty of time to talk to your girlfriend. what is so fucking bro about an iphone? apps are prob about the most un fucking bro thing ever. what the fuck does a bro need with a metal detector or a south park soundboard on his phone? i'll tell you what. absolutely. fucking. nothing. until they make an app that gets me trashed, blazed, or takes me straight to pound town, i won't be buying an iphone.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean anonymous. Last month I accidentally picked up the phone when my parents called, and then threw my phone across my room when I got pissed at something my mom said.

Oskar-Some good schools where you can party for 4 years and your parents will still be proud of you include Vandy, William and Mary, UVA, Washington and Lee, UNC Chapel Hill, USC, Duke, G-Town.

Anonymous said...

Oskar: Miami Brohio

Tom IzzBro 2012 said...

I don't get the knocking on iPhones. I had a blackberry and it was great and all, but the iPhone is just so much better honestly. Way easier to use and not having to have an extra ipod is not a bad thing. Yeah they're gay apps, but espn especially has great ones for fantasy, score updates and now world cup coverage (though they need to get live streams going asap).

Stop trying so hard anonymous posters.

Beatrice Howe said...

Once again, you are brutally destroying the nature of possitive communication and I am fed up to here MISTER! Texting while driving is against the law and you can kill an innocent person! For Heavens sake! I constantly read this blog and increasingly get disgusted with the demeanor of your blog and following. You should be ashamed of yourself!!! Grow up.

the hipBROpotamus said...

Beatrice Howe = bro-hating slam piece that probably has a cat for every man thats ditched her

The Brofessor said...

NYB, you should do these articles:
1. Making light of "tragedies"- you touched on this in your halloween article, but it really deserves its own piece. Not much besides banging gives bros as much satisfaction as seeing the look of horror cross some hipster loser's face when they make fun of a war in Africa or some natural disaster.
2. ESPN- bros are fucking obsessed with ESPN and can watch multiple cycles of it in a day. You could talk about how bros all have their favorite anchor (I myself am a Scott Van Pelt guy). You could also talk about how bros get so into Around the Horn and how fucking pissed they get when Jackie MacMullan (dyke) is on and how they flip the fuck out when Reali lets her win. Just some thoughts.

The Fresh Prince of BROllaire said...

For all the bros hating on iphones, obviously you can't afford one, it being the most expensive plan out there. You have to be dumb as shit to honestly think that a blackberry is actually cooler than an iphone.

Anonymous said...

Great post as always NYB; however, I must say that my week was not complete without a new weekly post. That being said, comments like Beatrice Howe have been quite entertaining to laugh at.

BROnald Reagan said...

well said hipBROpotamus

Oskar said...

Thanks bros!

The Man With Bro Name said...

The text message is one of the greatest bro-inventions of all time. Makes setting up a late-night booty call completely effortless. No more chatting on the phone for 15 minutes with a slampiece hoping that she might be DTF later on that night. Just send out a text and get on with your drinking until the reply comes back.

The best part about texting? You don't even have to focus your game on one slampiece at a time. My favorite move (and I'm sure most bros here do this too) is to type out "what are you up to?" when I'm getting ready to leave the bar at 2AM and send it not to just one of the slampieces in my contact list, but to all of them simultanously. I'm a bro - I'm not going to waste my precious time sending individual texts to every slampiece I know. I've got beers to shotgun and beirut games to dominate. And each slampig thinks she's getting my undivided attention since they have no way of knowing if I sent that text to other bras. Technology fucking rules.

Once the bro-signal is sent out, I resume my previous activities and wait 5-10 minutes for the return texts to roll in. The hottest slampiece that replies in that timeframe wins the privilege of riding my brogo stick for the evening. The rest of them get a raincheck for later in the week, or later that night if I decide to bounce from slampiece #1's place early enough. You snooze, you lose, ho's.

Text messaging is the bro equivalent of a fucking cruise missile. Just press a few buttons and within a minute the slampiece's defenses have been disabled and she's ready for ground conquest.

Bros are the shit.

BROhio State Lax Bro said...

Instant fucking classic NYB.
Late night texts to slampieces are the shit, because you can get straight to the fucking chase.
no bullshit awkwardness like "hey, what's up? what are you doing?"
no fuck that.
1:59 AM - "Down to pound?"

Long live the bros.

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