Thursday, December 23, 2010

#146 Strip Clubs

If the Bro Kings of the 1950’s were alive to see the atrocities in the workplace today, I have a feeling they’d fucking cry. Sadly, we no longer live in a world where the objectification of women is seen as the positive thing it truly is. Society’s once heavy-duty staple of giving women promotions strictly based on their sexual prowess has been removed – perhaps forever. As the bro-hater #133 feminists (who are just jealous because they couldn’t get promoted since no one in their fucking right mind would bang them) stick out their A-cup chests with pride, they think they’ve won the war. They’re fucking wrong. While the government may make it illegal for men to be men aka tell their secretary she’s fired unless she gives him a #145 BJ, they’ll never take away our right – or should I say duty - as bros to treat slam pieces the way they want to be treated – as fucking objects. There’s truly no better place to do this than at the fucking strip club.

Now when bros go to strip clubs, they’re not like those old, fat #80 losers, who go every night and request the same stripper because they thinks she loves them. Bros go to strip clubs when they want a change of scenery from the norm of getting #142 blacked out at the bar and banging girls they’ll never talk to again. So what do bros do at strip clubs? Here’s few fun ways to make sure your trip is fucking legendary.

Get Free Service - It’s a proven scientific fact that bros can get laid by simply walking down the street. You know those Axe commercials? Yeah, they’re fucking based on bros’ lives. Bros don’t pay for sex – they fucking profit from that shit by #2 stealing cash out of slam pieces’ purses while they’re taking their post-sex piss. So, obviously at a strip club it’s no different. Anytime some stripper says shit to me like, “Why don’t we go back to the Champaign room? Only $200/half hour.” I give her my pitch. “Listen you bitch, I’m not one of those fat, old, hairy men you cry to your therapist about. I’m a fucking bro.” That’s usually all it takes before she’s riding me in her Mazda convertible for free.

Visit Trashy Strip Clubs – Everyone’s heard of the famous strip clubs like Mons Venus in Tampa or Spearmint Rhino in #61 Vegas. While these places may have the highest quality of strippers, there’s usually like a $50 cover charge just to get in. Then once you’re in there’s a 2 drink minimum where a Bud Light’s $14. Fucking please – even though bros are #135 rich as shit, they don’t need to be blowing this type of cash just to see naked women hump the air while the Black Eyed Peas tell them what to “do with the beat” on the loud speaker. For my money, there’s nothing better than BYOB strip clubs. Sure the girls are fucking haggard, but who gives a fuck? Nothing beats draining a keg and finding the trashiest girl in the bar to give one of your bros a lap dance. Seeing him struggle to keep himself from throwing off a stripper who’s a dead ringer for Barf from “Space Balls” brings bros more joy than Rex Ryan at a Foot Locker.

Get Kicked Out – Anytime I go to a strip club I can’t believe the amount of security they have. I mean, I definitely understand that nobody wants to see the strippers physically abused or anything, but come on. What’s wrong with taking a video with your phone of her gyrating her ass right in your face? “These women have families!” is the common response from the bouncers. Fucking please – if she didn’t want her little brother seeing some video of her stripping on Youporn, then maybe she should have been something other than, oh I don’t know, A STRIPPER?

Anyways, being #40 kicked out of a strip club is about as fucking bro as it gets. It’s good to get creative to the point where you get kicked out, but you don’t get your fucking ass beaten by the bouncer who’s over-protecting “Candy” just because she blew him out back by the dumpster. I always love trying to make the stripper cry by getting all psychological and shit. I might get a lap dance, but the entire time I’ll just be saying shit like, “You’re really good at this – must have been all that practice on your Dad!” "Did the first C-section not take?" or “What’s your personal record for number of abortions in one month?” Be careful though – after all, everyone knows stripper tears burn.

Ask a stripper why she strips and 9 times out of 10 you’ll hear, “To pay for College.” Yeah fucking right. Strippers don’t to College. They spend 10 years climbing on poles, banging 300 pound men, and doing coke with Congressmen until it’s finally time for them to enter retirement aka become Crystal Meth prostitutes. As society continues to crack down on bro rights, one thing that will never be taken away is our appreciation for the timeless art of stripping. Where there’s stripping, there’ll be strip clubs. Where there’s a strip club, you better fucking believe there’ll be bros.


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27 comments:

Brosiah, Blacking Out for The Sins of All Bros said...

Excellent post NYB, strip clubs are where you can always find both bros and bro-haters. Obviously, the bros win.

Anonymous said...

Way to involve Rex Ryan's foot fetish. Classic

bro king from shire said...

Nyb, you are the shit. This post was fucking hilarious and spot on. Keep spreading the truth, and being a bro.

Anonymous said...

Virtual strip club? 2001Live thing looks legit. All we have to do is send our first and last name to 2001LiveStaff@gmail.com? and then we get a free subscription? fucking badass NYB you're the man.

Anonymous said...

Fuck the feminists and their unbangablity. Do you know how many feminists it takes to change a lightbulb? Of course not because it's a trick question, feminists cant change anything.

QBStokes4 said...

haha love the Rex Ryan reference. concerning that, now it makes sense why Rex was criticizing Sanchez's footwork last week. new meaning to jets "foot"ball

Anonymous said...

C-section scars should be referenced

Ponto said...

I used to bang a stripper from Archibald's (15th an K st, DC) on the reg and her apt was mad wierd. Mattreess on the floor, only one piece of furntiture and that was a round kitchen table aka coke pile pedestal aka place where empty corona bottles were placed to collect cigarette butts. We smoked lots of cigarettes, blew tons of coke, got ham boned off jameson, and oh yeah one time she blew me while i was pissing.... before i finished pissing.

Love strippers.

Brosome said...

free virtual strip club thing is bro as shit. keep bringing us the perks nyb. next time make it hookers.

Anonymous said...

i absolutely love the rex ryan reference

Four BROco said...

Hookers? Are you fucking serious? Bros never pay for sex, and if you want to degrade women, strippers are the only thing you need. Now, getting strippers delivered to your country club hotel room after you and your bros racked up a $1500 bar tab is legit though.

Adam Banks said...

NYB-

Please never refer to AXE Body Spray ever again.

Keep up the good work.

-Brociety

Anonymous said...

NYB you are the shit!

I'm home for break and my sister is a Bro-Hater. She even admitted it and she said she can't stand that I'm a Bro. She's also a fucking #133 feminist. Please Bros I need some Brovice on how to handle this situation

wolfgang amadeus brozart said...

another fucking solid post, though to clarify the Spearmint Rhino has free limo pickup and no cover charge or drink minimum, shits baller.

bro on

brolando pace, broffensive lineman for the brohio state buckeyes said...

rex ryan hahhaaha... strippers are scum and smell like cheese, and bros own them. all hail bros!

Anonymous said...

Mons Venus is only a $20 cover and no drink minimum. (they don't even sell drinks) You can also get $20 full contact dances from the hottest girls you will ever find at a strip club.

Anonymous said...

me and a fellow bro once tried paying a stripper in cigarettes, needless to say that didnt go to well.

Anonymous said...

whoever said there's no sex in the champagne room wasn't a bro in Houston. Just got back into town with my bros and did the time honored tradition of Xmas break at The Gold Cup. We got tanked before going, decided 60 dollars for the champagne room and bottle was better than 10 dollars a beer out on the floor. We popped our colors up and had a parade of whores on our laps all night. Then my bros send a Rhiannon look alike my way and after a couple of lap dances I propose to share my nose candy for a discreet hand job. She complies and one ups me by blowing me and banging me right there on the chair next to my bros. I love strip clubs!

Curb Your Brothusiam said...

To anonymous-

The fuck is wrong with you? Strippers are for dances and more importantly treating like shit and degrading them. I would never fucking exchange bodily fluids with a c-section strip slut. Even an old fashioned would be pushing it. But making fuck with a stripper? No chance in hell.

Anonymous said...

Hey dude, +1 if you came inside of her and +2 if you spooged in her hair!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree with the first sentence more, I can't believe what this world has come to where we have allowed women to even get it in their heads that they deserve to be treated as equals to men..let alone bros.

BROSKI said...

One night we went out for a heavy night of drinking aka a typical night. After hours of slamming countless beers and being good and drunk, I thought the strip club sounded like a good idea. After arriving and telling the bouncer there was no fucking way I was paying cover they let me right in. I found the hottest stripper in the club and she asked if I wanted a dance, so we headed to the back. I was so drunk, I sat down in the booth and passed out while she sweat it out to 6 songs, grinding me real good during my nap. I woke up to the bouncer telling me it was time to pay her $120 ($20 per song). I told him to get fucked and instantly got thrown out the front door (without paying). And the skank was still trying to grab my dick on the way out. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Curb Your Brothusiam. Who the fuck wants to get Herpes or AIDS from one of these sluts. Make her blow you instead.

Two-thousand (bro)leven said...

Bros. Las Vegas June 2010. After finding the bar with $1 wells, we proceeded to get wasted and win $200 in a beer pong bet. So of course we celebrated with a trip to the strip club of broken dreams. Long story short, I got iced by the "hottest" stripper at the joint and then got 2 free dances. I later got kicked out of a Casino at 6 a.m. for yelling at this fat bitch running the craps table. Boom.

BROshon Moreno said...

If any of yall are ever in Atlanta, you need to check out the Clairmont Lounge, aka Where Strippers Go to Die. Not a single stripper under 40, I swear. I wouldn't dare let any of them blow me, but there's nothing greater than getting hammered with your bros then degrading a woman old enough to be your best friend's mom.

Brose Cuervo said...

It's the words of wisdom like this that make being a bro truely mean something. From one bro to another, you may truely be a Brophet.

Wutime said...

The best strip clubs are where you can get a chicken wing lunch buffet and a lap dance for $10. Great post

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