You just #40 got kicked out of the bar, but honestly it wasn't your fault. There was a long ass line for the bathroom, so you just #36 peed against the bar. Some fat bitch got sprayed on and she fucking told on you, so your night has to end at 1:45 and not 2, which fucking sucks. You're fucking hammered on your walk back to your car. Obviously you're #23 driving because you are not a loser. That's when you see it: a mailbox shaped like a fucking cow. "That's the dumbest shit I've ever seen," you think to yourself. It's time for this cow to fucking fall. Through the drunken haze you remember you have a tire iron in the back of your car. After ten good swings and a lot of talk about the cow's mother the mailbox is demolished. That’ll show the bouncer for kicking you out.
Much like their love of #33 playing with fire - bros fucking love breaking shit and vandalism in general. Bros know they are above the law, but knowing is not as powerful as showing. By breaking other people's property it sends the message that there is a bro in town and you better not fuck with him. But what makes breaking things so great?
Separates Bros from Bras – It’s a fact. Bras want to be bros. Just a few of the things they envy include bros' drinking ability, superior intelligence, and the fact that they don't get periods. But perhaps the most overwhelming difference that haunts bras is their lack of strength. Bras fucking hate the fact that bros are strong enough to break shit and they aren’t. Bros love showing this shit off and to be honest bras can't resist it. Breaking shit is even a bigger panty dropper than #29 grinding to Flo rida on a fraternity dance floor. I know – all you anonymouses out there are ready to call bullshit because nothing says romance like “Right Round” blaring on the speakers and a half-chub in the pants – but hear me out. The more impressive the break – the more the slam piece will want you and the more she will be willing to give up (for the record - I don’t think “give up” should ever be used in connection to a slam piece – it was given a long fucking time ago, but I just wanted to get the point across.) Smash a few wine bottles in the street? Dome shots. Throw a fan off the balcony? Reverse cowgirl. Smash a random car window? No more saving anal for her husband.
Bro Points – Sure it’s nice to impress slam pieces, but it’s much more important to look good in front of your fellow bros. Bros fucking love to out do one another, and breaking shit is a great way to do this. One time in College I was visiting some bros from back home at another school. As they played some “Blades of Steel” on their original Nintendo, the game froze. Since the system was about 13 years old, this isn’t all that surprising, but as we had been drinking heavily for a few hours, the blame went elsewhere. The TV. Obviously, the TV itself had nothing to do with the game freezing, but its seemed like the logical explanation at the time. It was time for the TV to go. My bro put on work gloves to protect from the electric shock, some swimming goggles to protect his eyes, and a bandana for intimidation more than anything else and grabbed a 6 iron out of his golf bag. As everyone #4 chanted his name, he took a couple practice swings and then connected. Sparks flew, we hit the ground laughing, and just like that, their TV was destroyed. I have to say I gained a lot of respect for that bro that night, and you had better fucking believe he earned a shit load of bro points. Who cares if they had to buy a new TV the next day? Who gives a fuck if security was called on their apartment? What difference does it make that there was shards of television screen glass in their carpet for the rest of the semester? The bottom line is bro points are priceless. Anytime you have an opportunity to earn some – you better damn well take it.