There are certain phrases that a true bro should never say. Some of the more famous examples include "I can’t, it’s against the Honor Code," "I'm scared I might have a drinking problem," or worst of all "I think you should keep the baby." While these statements are inexcusable, they in no way compare to arguably the biggest bro-hater phrase of all time: "I think it's time to settle down." Settle down? Are you fucking kidding me? Why would a bro ever need to settle down? What's the fucking point? Who the fuck came up with the idea of settling down in the first place? Women. They've worked through the years to convince men that they are over the hill and that no one will want them in their old age. While this tactic may have worked on some, there is a certain group of people who have been identified by countless scholars as "the smartest people on the planet " who can spot this evil witchcraft from fucking miles away. Bros see right through this bullshit. To paraphrase Wooderson, one of the greatest bro pioneers of all time: bros get older, but slam pieces stay the same age. Bros fucking love younger chicks.
In nearly every aspect, Natalie Holloway and Johaan Van der Sloot have had a better relationship than bros and society. But there are a few certain things that bros and society completely agree upon, one of which being it’s socially acceptable for men to slay younger women, but women cannot hook up with younger men. This is perhaps the most brilliant rule society has ever created and you better fucking believe bros follow that shit.
"But NYB, what about #39 Cougars, you totally just contradicted yourself!" First of all, shut the fuck up - I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking about fucking Cougars. I’m also not talking about banging underage girls - so put your pants back on all you Uncle "Secrets" out there. I'm talking about girls who are past their prime. Have you ever seen a group of single girls in their mid-30's having a girls night? It's like taking a trip to the fucking Island of Misfit Toys. You've got your one girl with a decent body but absolutely hideous face, your Troy Polomalu stunt double, and of course the unbelievably overweight friend wearing designer clothes, who might as well be wearing a fucking burlap sack because her threads are not hiding the fact that she looks like the fucking Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Even if there is a hot one you know she's got some serious baggage, like having been divorced or more likely having a penis.
While this amazing social practice applies to women of all ages, it’s incredibly evident on a College Campus. Each Fall, bros sit on their #32 Bro Pad porches and in the Cafeteria watching the new batch of recruits as if they are getting off the bus at Shawshank. Bros immediately identify the high-grade new meat and give them creative #28 nicknames such as "Tan Girl" or "Runner Slut" the minute they lay eyes on them. You really have to wonder what a father says to his hot daugher when he drops her off to the wolves’ den that is College. My guess? "Bye honey, hope you have fun getting banged by all these bros." Fucking sluts.
Now I know all you girls out there who are reading this for some reason want to know – why do bros always like the younger girls? Here are a couple reasons.
Cleaner: One of the great things about a new crop is that there is a very low chance that they have ever hooked up with any of your bros. As cool as “The League” has made Eskimo brothers, no bro ever wants to be in a situation where he can honestly answer the question, “How does my dick taste?”
Better Looking: Anybody who’s ever said that women get better looking with age is a fucking liar. Bros realize that the best time to get a girl is before her face starts to look like a fucking catcher’s mitt due to all her fake tanning wrinkles. Also, saggy boobs are fucking disgusting and no self-respecting bro ever wants to see that shit. Not to mention four years of drinking and attacking pizza late night causes even the hottest slam pieces to put on weight. Again, getting with these girls would involve settling, which bros refuse to do.
While girls are getting fucked by society's "unfair" rule that you must date a guy older than you, bros are busy getting fucked by girls younger than their baseball card collection. You see, every year, as girls get older, their dating pool gets smaller due to marriage or death by natural causes, therefore it is understandable that they eventually have to settle on some dude they met on Craig's List personals. Bros on the other hand realize that every New Year means new life. It means a new crop of Freshman girls. It means a new group of College graduates hitting the workforce and your local bar. It means a whole new group of people who probably haven't even heard of your reputation. It means another fucking year of not settling down. So does 2010 mean bros are one step closer to settling down and finding a nice wife we can spend the rest of our lives with? Fuck that - our wives haven't been born yet. It's good to be a bro.