This isn’t your typical #35 pregame. From the outside looking in it would look typical. It’s you and ten of your bros absolutely punishing 2 #19 kegs and a fucking hugeass gin bucket. It’s only 11am, but honestly, it’s warm outside, of course you’re gonna get fucked up all day. But, today is different. Today is the "First Day of Spring" party at your school and there is a buzz in the air. This past winter has been fucking horrible. Sure the blizzards killed 13 old people, but the even bigger tragedy was that you only got laid twice. This cold streak is finally going to end. Much like rage turns Bruce Banner into the Hulk, warm weather turns girls into #3 sluts. Today is going to be a good day.
As you and your bros make your way down to the park where the DJs are spinning aka pressing the “next” button on their iPods, you get the same feeling you had back in high school just before a food fight. There’s electricity in the air. After a tense 10 minutes of screaming and chanting all kinds of inaudible shit, you see it. An empty 40 bottle making its way towards the parking lot. As the bottle smashes, bros everywhere cheer and immediately start chucking all kinds of shit into the air. Within minutes bros everywhere are bringing all the kindling aka park benches and plywood from houses to the middle of the park and lighting that shit on fire. People start swarming parked cars, shaking them, and putting dents in the hoods by treating them like trampolines. Before you know it a streak of blood crawls down your face – you have no idea how it got there. You turn to your bro, dab your finger on the blood, and take a taste.
“Ahh,” you tell your bro, “tastes like Victory!”
Bros fucking love rioting.
Now when I talk about riots, I’m not talking about all those protesting riots bullshit over Rodney King or human rights. Bros don’t give a shit about that. Bros riot over much more important things – like winning a basketball game or because they’re drunk. Bros don’t celebrate big wins by having a fucking tea party and talking about if they take lemons or honey in their tea – they break as much shit they can find and burn all their fucking furniture.
Whenever bros get together to have a good time, there are always those people who are jealous of them. These people are obviously the bro-haters. Shockingly enough, even during an all-out riot where literally everyone is invited to participate these haters still exist. The fucking police. I mean, honestly, what the fuck is wrong with a little innocent mischief? Are bros hurting anyone? Probably, but that’s beside the point. If you step foot onto a college campus, you should expect to get hurt. Do the fires ever get out of control? Yes, but that’s why you have the fire department. Besides, even retards know how to “Stop, Drop, and Roll” so what’s the big fucking deal?
Even with all this hatred coming from the people who are supposedly there to “protect” their rights, bros don’t stop partying. In fact they party even harder. Immediately it becomes us vs. them. The good (bros) vs. the evil (the cops.) Bros quickly forget the real reason they are rioting (because it’s warm out) and focus on the new cause: letting the cops know how much better we are than them.
While all we have is our #4 chants of “Fuck the Police” and our #14 father’s law firm to protect us – the cops have weapons. Little do they know, bros are fucking immune to that shit. Please what the fuck are the cops going to do? Tear gas us? Don’t they realize who they’re dealing with? What are we? Hormonal women? Everyone and their fucking mother knows bros are physically unable to cry. Stupid fucking pigs.
Once the cops figure out they aren’t dealing with girls on their period, they might turn to more drastic measures, like rubber bullets. Sure this shit could sting, but let’s be realistic – bros might as well have Adamantium injected inside their bones because they're that genetically perfect. Shooting rubber bullets at a bro is like a power walk for fat girls – it doesn’t do shit. Besides, being able to tell people at the party later that night that you got shot with a rubber bullet will definitely get you laid. Slam pieces fucking love brave heroes.
Facts: #1 Getting wasted is fucking awesome. #55 Destroying other people’s shit is fucking awesome. #33 Burning shit is fucking awesome. Sure you might get hurt in the process, but seriously, who gives a fuck? You’ve earned this day. Riot on, bros. Riot on.