Wednesday, April 14, 2010

#114 Rioting

This isn’t your typical #35 pregame. From the outside looking in it would look typical. It’s you and ten of your bros absolutely punishing 2 #19 kegs and a fucking hugeass gin bucket. It’s only 11am, but honestly, it’s warm outside, of course you’re gonna get fucked up all day. But, today is different. Today is the "First Day of Spring" party at your school and there is a buzz in the air. This past winter has been fucking horrible. Sure the blizzards killed 13 old people, but the even bigger tragedy was that you only got laid twice. This cold streak is finally going to end. Much like rage turns Bruce Banner into the Hulk, warm weather turns girls into #3 sluts. Today is going to be a good day.

As you and your bros make your way down to the park where the DJs are spinning aka pressing the “next” button on their iPods, you get the same feeling you had back in high school just before a food fight. There’s electricity in the air. After a tense 10 minutes of screaming and chanting all kinds of inaudible shit, you see it. An empty 40 bottle making its way towards the parking lot. As the bottle smashes, bros everywhere cheer and immediately start chucking all kinds of shit into the air. Within minutes bros everywhere are bringing all the kindling aka park benches and plywood from houses to the middle of the park and lighting that shit on fire. People start swarming parked cars, shaking them, and putting dents in the hoods by treating them like trampolines. Before you know it a streak of blood crawls down your face – you have no idea how it got there. You turn to your bro, dab your finger on the blood, and take a taste.

“Ahh,” you tell your bro, “tastes like Victory!”
Bros fucking love rioting.

Now when I talk about riots, I’m not talking about all those protesting riots bullshit over Rodney King or human rights. Bros don’t give a shit about that. Bros riot over much more important things – like winning a basketball game or because they’re drunk. Bros don’t celebrate big wins by having a fucking tea party and talking about if they take lemons or honey in their tea – they break as much shit they can find and burn all their fucking furniture.

Whenever bros get together to have a good time, there are always those people who are jealous of them. These people are obviously the bro-haters. Shockingly enough, even during an all-out riot where literally everyone is invited to participate these haters still exist. The fucking police. I mean, honestly, what the fuck is wrong with a little innocent mischief? Are bros hurting anyone? Probably, but that’s beside the point. If you step foot onto a college campus, you should expect to get hurt. Do the fires ever get out of control? Yes, but that’s why you have the fire department. Besides, even retards know how to “Stop, Drop, and Roll” so what’s the big fucking deal?

Even with all this hatred coming from the people who are supposedly there to “protect” their rights, bros don’t stop partying. In fact they party even harder. Immediately it becomes us vs. them. The good (bros) vs. the evil (the cops.) Bros quickly forget the real reason they are rioting (because it’s warm out) and focus on the new cause: letting the cops know how much better we are than them.

While all we have is our #4 chants of “Fuck the Police” and our #14 father’s law firm to protect us – the cops have weapons. Little do they know, bros are fucking immune to that shit. Please what the fuck are the cops going to do? Tear gas us? Don’t they realize who they’re dealing with? What are we? Hormonal women? Everyone and their fucking mother knows bros are physically unable to cry. Stupid fucking pigs.

Once the cops figure out they aren’t dealing with girls on their period, they might turn to more drastic measures, like rubber bullets. Sure this shit could sting, but let’s be realistic – bros might as well have Adamantium injected inside their bones because they're that genetically perfect. Shooting rubber bullets at a bro is like a power walk for fat girls – it doesn’t do shit. Besides, being able to tell people at the party later that night that you got shot with a rubber bullet will definitely get you laid. Slam pieces fucking love brave heroes.

Facts: #1 Getting wasted is fucking awesome. #55 Destroying other people’s shit is fucking awesome. #33 Burning shit is fucking awesome. Sure you might get hurt in the process, but seriously, who gives a fuck? You’ve earned this day. Riot on, bros. Riot on.

64 comments:

George Chaint Pierre said...

Great Post NYB!
Perfect timing as I just seen the video of the JMU riot.

Bro's love to fuck shit up

Anonymous said...

NYB
I was there the tear gas was nothing. Fucked shit up all day and got wasred perfect day.

Anonymous said...

As someone who was there at Jmu to this is a great post. I was blacked out when those fags with the riot shield came.
Riot On

Anonymous said...

I was there at JMU too. So much fun throwing that shit back at those fags with the riot shields

WVU Bro said...

Bros do love rioting, but that JMU riot was cookie cutter shit, WVU is the most epic rioting school of all time. Check out this video of when I was in school there, i think this is tho one after we beat Texas Tech to get into the Elite Eight......enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSGFiA3kO-Q

Anonymous said...

If you haven't overturned a car, your not a true bro

Bro Paterno said...

Excellent Post NYB...but to all you JMU bros my school, aka #1 Party school in the nation Penn State had this riot shit down a long time ago....see link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtdJ0ms3XLQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=eN3aVzxzHaI

Thomas IzzBro said...

At Michigan State we have a little party in cedar village on the first saturday of every april called Cedar Fest that dates back to the 70s. Annual riot. Burnt couches, flipped cars, smashed windows, rubber bullets, girls making out, bottles thrown at cops and chants of We Want Tear Gas leading to getting tear gassed. And then of course we have our annual Final Four riots (as you might have heard from a friend, Sparty is somewhat good at basketball). After playing duke in 99 and unc in 05, cars got flipped and numerous acts of arsony were committed. Did we get in trouble? Fuck no because thanks to YouTube, everyone got pissed at the cops for overreacting instead.

No one can touch Sparty when it comes to rioting.

Brovechkin said...

A truly inspiring post, just in time for Quadfest next week...let the riots continue.

Bromeo said...

Riots are the fucking shit. I live in Louisiana, and when Katrina hit, it was like an invite from God himself to the 3-month long riot party with everyone invited. Fucking right. With chants like "George Bush sucks" and "I cant swim" radiating throught the bro's, everyone was able to get as many plasma TV's and Ipods they could carry out of Circuit City. Fucking classic.

JimBro Fisher said...

As a devoted reader, I can comfortably say this is hands-downs one of the greatest posts I've ever read, NYB.

Thank you kind sir, I am most certainly fucking some shit up tonight.

Anonymous said...

My work, AKA Bro-Hater Central, Just set up a website blocker that blocks pretty much every site except this one. Just more proof (not that we need any) that bros are unstoppable.

Streaming live from from ChicaBro, Illinois

Anonymous said...

Yo JMU, I'm real proud of you and Ima let you finish but.. College Park had the best riot ever. Us bro's started a DE-FENSE chant against the riot squad. How more fucking bro can you get?

Carson said...

Perfect post, especially since I go to Iowa State and it's VEISHEA week, and that always leads to at least one riot.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you faggots who came and acted like idiots at JMU.... you ruined a 15 year long tradition which is called Alumni weekend, not fucking Springfest. Glad you all had fun throwing shit instead of macking on girls

Anonymous said...

Haha obviously inspired by the events of 4/10.

Fratrick Broneill said...

Bros fucking love riots.
While all the hipsters are getting nervous about the riot touching their coffee shops, bros are fuckin' begging for some police brutality while downing frat sodas.

Classic.

Anonymous said...

i think the bro level may near its peak at riots. between insane drinking, violence, breaking shit, letting cops know how bro you are and who your father is and then need to release the days stress on some slam piece, riots have got it all. only problem is it doesnt let people know how rich you are. the perfect bro king: flipping cars with one hand while grinding from slampiece to slampiece, getting it wet a little cuz your a bro and you dont give a fuck, funneling straight johnny walker blue with a bob marley joint in your nose, , all while chanting your trust fund balance. of course this activity lets everyone know you are better than them and you in fact are perfect. afterwards you encase a cop in a massive dump, steal a car and plow through the crowd while keg standing in the front seat and driving with your good looks alone

FRATTYLAX.BRO said...

I like breaking shit all the time when i am drinking, usually a one man riot. HA

WVU is the king of riots

JMU had a baby riot, but they do not riot hard. and its people at JMU's fault for letting Bro's from other schools come and fuck their shit up ha

Anonymous said...

three words FUCKIN RIOT PUNCH, what kind of bro doesn't like koolaide mixed with everclear

Bro Flacco said...

I remember seeing a public transit bus being flipped over and then burned in College Park, MD after the Terps won the national championship in 2002. Riots are the fuckin shit!!!

Anonymous said...

no riot can compare to the insane riots after the phillies won the 08 world series. watch a few of these and you'll know what i mean. http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=phillies+riot&aq=f

Anonymous said...

frattylax u said it best when it comes to riots there are a group of kings and the rest are faggot peons

Kings of rioting reside in one university: WVU

we fucking invented lighting shit on fire, after we got into the final 4 i had no furniture to sit on as it was all up in a burning flame and couldnt even get in trouble cuz wvu cops r to fuckin fat to run up the hills

Anonymous said...

In the wake of the JMU riots, Siena College Administration have done what they can to take steam out of what is called "Siena Fest". Only thing they forgot is how fucking pissed off all the bros are, now that the chance of landing a slam-piece has lessened. Stricter rules will backfire and become complete mayhem. After spamming this blog entry to all my friends, SienaFest should get a little more interesting.

Effmanny, King of all Bros said...

This is what it means to be a bro.

http://media.collegepublisher.com/media/paper679/documents/gt2vnp8z.pdf

Bro Montana said...

riot punch-gatorade and everclear

Anonymous said...

spring jam at the university of minnesota will never be the same because of a large number of true bro's, some of which(whom i know) came from out of town just start the bro-induced riots.

Anonymous said...

Bros, bros, bros...At IU we hold a small event called Little 500, and it makes Middle East riots look like ballroom dances.

Anonymous said...

Rioting is the fuckin shit! I haven't been to a solid riot since cedarfest at MSU two years ago. Im hoping for a solid riot at Mifflin this year.

Durrvis said...

JMU springfest riot was a bro paradise. People are bitching and saying how bad it makes us a look, and they are clearly bro-haters. It was our choices weekend so all potential students next semester were visiting either friday or over the weekend for the monday choices, and honestly the time couldnt be fucking better. All the pussyfarts that had a problem with the awesomeness that occurred this weekend will go somewhere else and be gay, and on the other hand all true bro's that were visiting will be like this is the fucking place for me.
You're Truely
Brohan Santana

James Bond said...

NYB: There needs to be an article of one of the biggest bros of all time: James motherfucking Bond. Although he may not be American, he kills bro haters, bags the slam pieces (usually a lot younger than him and married), now he's fucking jacked, he blows shit up, he has little respect for women, he drinks like no other, he's fucking good looking, the list goes on and on. In my own opinion, he makes Tiger Woods look like Hillary Clinton. It's just a shame he's not real, but he still serves as an excellent model for bros.

Anonymous said...

bros.
Ultimate riot punch.
Everclear, gatorade, and red bull. throw it in a camelbak and your set.

bufordblue said...

"Bros riot over much more important things – like winning a basketball game or because they’re drunk"

comments like these should probably go into the bro hall of fame lmao, nothing is more important than winning a basketball game, anyone else probably doesn't know what they're talking about.

bblue
simplytooclassy.com

Kelly said...

I love you NYB please come to JMU! I will personally start a riot if that is what it will take to get you down here.

Anonymous said...

You should mention "cops hit us with rubber bullets, they don't realize we're too fucked up to feel that shit"

Miami University (BROH) said...

I took part in a riot at Palmerfest '09 where my bro was innocently walking to the bars and was charged to the ground by a bro-hating cop and another bro had his foot stomped on by a cunt ass police horse. After escaping unharmed, I proceeded to pee all over some bra from high school's restroom where I was crashing out, then got in a fight with her boyfriend about it.

Also much potential for an extreme riot took place at Lollapalooza in 2009 where the broking himself, Snoop Dogg, was on stage and got tens of thousands of fucked up people to start a "fuck the police" chant while half of the Chicabro police force was a few hundred yards away surrounding the park with at least 50 horses, assault rifles, and armored vehicles. Right after this he did a very beautiful performance of "187 on an Undercover Cop." This was less than a month after a cop had been killed in Chicago.

Mark Dougherty said...

Epic post NYB! I feel like there's one major aspect of being a Bro that hasn't been covered in a post yet, skipping class. I obviously can't put up the same exbrosive quality posts but I found a "Should I Skip Class" Calculator that should be put to use by bro's everywhere.

http://adeliciousblend.blogspot.com/2010/04/to-skip-or-not-to-skip-timeless-college.html

Anonymous said...

Inspired by University of Washington?

http://www.q13fox.com/news/kcpq-04062010-unrulyuwstudents,0,6945805.story

that's right. Bro-tastic

Anonymous said...

Yea Effmanny, playing piano and violin are bro as shit....

Anonymous said...

College Park riot was incredible.... dumbass cops actually locked us inside the bars, forcing us to continue getting fucked up, before letting another wave of bros rage on the streets. bros put up a noble fight, then got beaten and had their fathers sue the shit out of the popo afterward. pepper spray in my eyes was just a red badge of courage spurring me on to more destruction.

Brocho Cinco said...

My fellow bros just told me about this site. Every post is just a day in the life of a bro. Recently at high school i got in trouble cause i threw a pizza slice at a short bro-hating freshman. The lunch lady told me I'm in deep shit but I respond by saying "my dad will get your fat ass fired if you say one thing about this event." After school in my car, I got road head on the way home from some slam piece I've never seen (chicks love badasses). The next day at lunch, the fat ass skanky lunch lady gave me free pizza. I love being a bro

alleghenybro said...

nice mention of the gin bucket, NYB, one of the greatest inventions of drinking

PaBro Sandoval said...

Back in high school, my bros and I stared a riot by simply chucking a sandwich and a few eggs at an ugly girl's car window. Soon enough, all hell broke loose, and soon enough I ended up in a car gettin bobbed up by a slampiece. Bros live to fuck shit up! NYB you're a legend.

Anonymous said...

that's sweet, but you should write one about lax bros, we're the best

psu slampiece said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Izj8TGFZE6U best riot - nyb, please bang me

Anonymous said...

May I suggest adding frat/sorority formals to this list? Those things are shit shows.

Anonymous said...

The only riot that sucked was all those Obama riots. No bros to be seen.

Anonymous said...

I might have to agree with all the WVU kids about that university's rioting prowess, they basically invented couch burning. I go to Pitt and have experienced my fair share of riots in four years (Superbowl '06, keeping WVU out of BCS NC in 07, Semplefest 07, Superbowl '09, the fucking G20) but will cede many WVU tactics as archetypes. These kids in particular at Semplefest '07 lit a couch on fire real close to a gas line, and like 6 apartments in this complex blew the fuck up. Epic.

Anonymous said...

University of Minnesota spring jam 09
rioting of epic propotions.
ps fuck basketball rioting a true bro knows that hockey riots are the real riots

Fear and BROathing in Las Vegas said...

Mark Dougherty- what the fuck is class?

broseph said...

totally bitchin

Bron Dixon said...

When Maryland wins, we riot. Bigger and better than any other school. True bros love and respect Juan Dixon and Len Bias more than any other players.

mtf3361 said...

completely right warm weather turns girls in to straight whores not only are the just wearing less clothes and laying out in the main parts of campus so bros can easily spot them on the way to the gym you have to put in considerably less work to rail them with the help of a little sun.

Minneapolis Bro said...

From The Minnesota Daily:
This quote is from an article about our spring festival (which was nearly canceled due to last year's riot)

"But for students like Adam Postelnek, a marketing and entrepreneurial management junior, Spring Jam presents the perfect opportunity for some college students’ favorite pastime: drinking.

“For some, it’s an opportunity to enjoy University events, but for other people it’s an excuse to get drunk all week,” Postelnek said Tuesday. “Starting today and going until Friday, I’ll be doing quite a bit of day drinking.”

Postelnek said that although he will be out of town for some of Saturday’s main festivities for lacrosse games, he wouldn’t have attended the University events anyway."

“I think it would be great if the University sponsored good events — I mean, I liked Gym Class Heroes back in high school,” Postelnek said.

BRO KING

Broregon Duck AKA Legarrette BROunt said...

While probably not as epic as college riots throughout the country, me and my bro's made our riots in prep school where we rioted so much security quit. unfortunatly my college is pretty bro-hater status so there aren't really riots there. but keep fighting the goof fight bros.

Anonymous said...

FACT:

Going to Third Tier schools (JMU, WVU) is not fratty.

Ergo, it doesn't matter how thweet your riots were.

Anonymous said...

bro kings, its all about the mifflin street block party at wisconsin.
that is rioting

joe said...

GEORGETOWN DAY 2010

Nacabroches TX said...

Rioting happens when a bro gets so pumped from an event(their team winning, or a nice day) that the only possible way for a bro to express himself is to break things, hurt others, and steal shit because the store owners are so scared that they abandon their post. I for one have yet to experience the jubilation of my team winning anything or a day so nice i start a brush fire but I hope that day comes soon.

Anonymous said...

Bros, please. Best riots are at party school #2 Ohio University. Palmerfest. Also known as Brofest.

Brohio said...

Palmerfest at Ohio is like the pilgrimage for bros. #2 party school, throwback jerseys, more alcohol then you have ever seen, and of course slampieces begging you to riot.

kenny mayne said...

Everyone talking about palmer fest at Ohio U is a hundred percent right. There are basically riots every weekend spring quarter in Athens, one of the biggest bro havens in the country.

BrohioUniversity said...

Ohio University, Palmerfest 2009. Fucking raging riot. Well done, bros.

VanIslandBro said...

Being a bro from up north I was at the Vancouver riots with my bros. That shit was insane. Fuck Boston

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