Thursday, July 15, 2010

#126 Peer Pressure

God damn your seats are fucking amazing. Thanks to your bro’s #14 Dad, you and six of your bros are sitting in the first row down the third baseline. While the game is boring as shit due to the fact that it’s baseball, you’re a fucking bro so you know how to make anything fun: getting fucking wasted. One of your bros suggested that you guys drink a beer an inning, but everyone agreed they were trying to get drunk and not just buzzed, so you decided to go a brew every half inning. By the sixth inning, the usher has already come to your section three times to ask you guys to keep the #91 profanity, #77 heckling, and masturbation pantomimes to a minimum. Each time your bro politely informed him that “My Dad fucking owns you. Take your 3rd grade education back to where you belong inspecting tickets wiping down seats.” Needless to say, you guys are feeling fucking invincible.

As the 7th inning stretch comes around, you’re getting tired of trying to get the right field ball girl aka #“Ball Slut” to flash you. You decide you need to spice things up. Luckily Timmy is there. Timmy is the bro who is without a doubt the craziest fucking guy in your whole group – motherfucker will do anything, but he always needs the proper encouragement.

“Hey Timmy – you won’t run onto the field and slide headfirst into homeplate,” you say.
“Nah man, I’m fucking wasted, but I’m not trying to go to jail tonight.”

Immediately everyone catches on and starts calling him a bitch and making chicken noises. Timmy doesn’t like this shit.

“Fuck you guys – why do I always have to do the crazy shit.”
You don’t even answer him, just keep asking him shit like, “Maybe next time we should invite your fucking husband, Alice!”

It’s really starting to get to him. His will power is starting to break down faster than a fat girl alone with a box of Twinkies. You and your bros have seen this look before – it’s time to break out the reinforcements. Slowly at first, you start it: “Tim-my! Tim-my!” All your bros join in, screaming and #4 chanting mercilessly, “TIM-MY! TIM-MY!” Like Lawrence Taylor at a #111 High School Pep Rally– he’s fucking helpless. Within seconds Timmy is making a bee-line for home plate. You and your bros are fucking dying laughing. As security chases him down the third base line, Timmy tears down the line and does a Superman leap into the air. The umpire gives him a mock “safe” call as 15 officers arrest him. As they lead him out of the stadium to jail, your bro calls his Dad to ensure the security guards get fucking fired for brutality. That was just the funniest shit you’ve ever seen – and it’s all thanks to two of the greatest words in the bro language: Peer Pressure.

In many circles of society peer pressure gets a bad fucking rap, but in the bro world, it’s seriously one of the most useful tools you can use. You can literally get your bros to do anything, just by pressuring them and saying they’re acting like a fucking girl. Being called a “bitch” is worse than getting fucking cancer, therefore bros will do anything in their power to prove that they are in fact a bro and not some dumbass girl. Here’s a couple ways that bros love peer pressuring one another.

Drinking: I always hate it when you’re trying to do a fucking shot with one of your bros and he says some shit like, “I think I’ve had enough, I know my limits.” Fuck that – bros will fucking drink until they can’t move if they have to. Anytime I see one of my bros with a cup of water at the bar, which they so cleverly tell people is “Straight Vodka,” I smash that shit out of their hands. I don’t give a fuck if you feel like you are going to die – drinking more will make you feel better. Besides not only is #48 throwing up all over the bar a great story, but it’s fucking awesome. Bros look out for one another, therefore anytime they see one of their fellow bros not getting more wasted, they force them to fucking drink.

About Girls: Every bro at some point in his life wakes up after some #31 drunken bang-sesh with a girl thinking, “Damn, that girl was #66 pretty hot, I could get used to banging her.” Then as you go back to hang out with your bros, they immediately start asking you what it was like to bang Gilbert Grape’s Mom or if #28 Gollum ever stopped screaming about “her precious” long enough so you could bang her. At first, you try to justify your banging saying she had a good body, but by the end of you can’t resist piling on as well. The next time you see her, you won’t be asking her out on #75 a date – you’ll be screaming across the cafeteria to look out for the “Tricksy Hobbits!!” Sure you thought she was alright, but that doesn’t matter if your bros think she’s a pig. Being made fun of for repeatedly banging a #78 slump buster is like getting the fucking bro electric chair.

Growing up bros are asked the question in school, “If Jimmy jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?” Obviously the knee jerk response is “No.” But, today, if someone asked me that same question, I would immediately fire back, “Well is Jimmy a bro?” Bros fucking know best. Bros are by definition the smartest people on the fucking planet. So, if the answer to that question is that “Yes, Jimmy is a bro” – well then you better fucking believe I’m jumping off that bridge. Bros are the shit.

37 comments:

Worlds Greatest Bro said...

instant classic

Bronas Salk, curer of Brolio said...

Fucking right bro. Every time one of your bros gets out of line, it's your responsibility to peer pressure them back in. So what if your mom's funeral is tomorrow at 7 a.m.? It's fucking Tuesday, and that shit only comes around once a week. Get off your ass and help me finish this keg.

Fratrick Broneill said...

Love. This. Shit.

Good talk Bro. Nothing is worse than the guy who hangs around bros but refuses to yield to peer pressure. You'll find him saying things like, "I don't want to be hungover tomorrow," and,"But I don't even know her."

There's nothing better than watching your best bro go from giving you the "I don't want to go to jail tonight"-look to the "Can you guys bail me out within the hour."

Real talk.

BROger Clemens said...

Baseball is the shit, but I understand the point you're trying to make. No real bro has ever turned down a shot, a bong-hit, or a line of coke, in the history of Bros. What consequences could ever stop you from getting as fucked up as humanly possible? There aren't many.

Anonymous said...

Real bros fucking love peer pressure

How else can u convince a fuckin bitch to take a bong rip of tabacco and then do 50 push ups while you throw dog food at their face?

Peer pressure is also great for stealing and breaking shit

One time i made this tool feel so obligated to rip a small tree outa the ground he was there for 3 hours bending it back and forth....

Anonymous said...

"Being called a 'bitch' is worse than getting fucking cancer"

This is the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say... ever.

Anonymous said...

Our bros and I love to do this shit. We will constantly pressure a bro to hook up with a terrible girl even lieing to him and saying that she is really hot, until finally they slip up and do it. From that night forward we ruthlessly make fun of them about it. But hey its all for the fucking story!

Anonymous said...

bros always give into "beer pressure"

Broseph90 said...

Peer pressure is the greatest way to get a bro laid, regardless of how many porkchops the chosen fatty can scarf down in 1 sitting. Its also surprising and awesome as fuck when u pressure a bro into talking to a total bombshell bitch and he magically manages to score... and its all thanks to you. And the ever-giving wonders of peer pressure. Epic post, NYB.

JimBro Fisher said...

Tremendous post NYB. Fucking incredible really. I'm inspired.

Peer pressure is the shit.

Bromeo said...

This post may hold the more truth within it than any book ever written. Peer Pressure just encourages people to act more like bros. And bros are the shit.

Brott Favre said...

Peer pressure is fucking bro. One night during homecoming week one of my fraternity bros was like, i got my dads wedding 4 hours away at 11 in the morning and I'm the best man, i dont want to drink. I immediately came in for the bro save, and i said fuck no man, home coming week only happens once a year, weve been blacked out for the past 4 nights and its friday, you cant miss that shit. Needless to say the next thing we know were waking up at 1030 the next morning back at our apartment to his dad calling and asking where he was. He missed the wedding, but you cant blame him, it was fucking friday, his dumb ass dad shouldnt have had the wedding that early on a saturday. but being that he is a bro, he just told his dad he had gotten swine flu, so it was all good

British PeBROlium said...

I’d like to use this post to let everyone know this site is going to shit. Not bc of NYB of course – his writing is an outstanding portrayal of what it means to be bro. No, the problem is he’s too fuking good and this site is attracting too many wannabe bro’s. I’ve kept it quiet until now, but I can’t take it anymore. First, there was that fucking loser guido who thought being guido meant being bro. Then there was that myriad of fucking Rosie O’Donnell look-alikes who tried to act like it’s not cool for a bro to fuck a slump buster every once in a while just to get a good laugh in. And that total fucking urethra who tried to say cigs are bro-hater because of “the awful stench.” Are you fucking kidding me? There’s plenty others as well. Get the fuck out of here you wannabe bros. I don’t call you bro-haters because clearly you aren’t as such, u might be fucking lower – you are fucking bro brown-nosers, aka a bitch who probably gets ass fucked harder than Derek Vineyard.

Anonymous said...

the only problem with this post is the solar energy advertisement at the top...fuck the environment...bros are the shit

Brony Montana said...

The last 3 times someone called me a bitch or pussy for not drinking enough ended in going to the hospital and getting my stomach pumped, getting arrested for taking a shit on a police car while the officer was talking to one of my bros, and getting banned from a bar for throwing shit at the bouncer because he hated on the Colts.

If someone calls me a bitch then damn right I will do anything in my power to show I'm a true bro. Bros have to give into peer pressure or they might as well gel their hair and listen to techno and pretend to be badass.

BRO Brown & Brown, Inc. said...

@British PeBroleum

Take your fucking tampon out, for all we know you could be a fucking bro-hater, or worse, judging by the amount of whining, a fucking a fat bitch's fatter friend. You don't have to be a fucking genius to know there are multiple molds of "bro" out there. Obviously this site is as much of a learning tool than anything for up and coming bros and experienced bros alike. Thanks to this site, a little bro may now dedicate his spare time to hating guidos, instead of trying to be one. And good luck keeping all the "brown-nosers" of the god damn internet. If you have a fucking problem with it, why don't you be a bro more often and call out these so-called "brosers". Til that happens go hang out at brobible.

As for BP, I can confidently say anyone that thinks British Petroleum is bro, is certainly a bro-hater. I know bros don't give a fuck about the environment, but thanks to them fucking Spring Break will be non existent in the Gulf states for the next decade. Fuck BP.

Joe DemaggiBRO said...

A Bro was wasted and I was trying to be a good wingman and help him with this slam piece. I informed her that the carpet of her appointment was covered in cat hair. Slam piece got offended and I convinced my bro that if he licked her carpet (literal) then it'd show her it wasn't all cat-hairy. Bro licked like 4 feet of carpet before getting up and peeling at his tongue, hairier than Demi Moore's bush. Slam-piece thought it was hilarious, one of us got laid that night...

Anonymous said...

yeah maybe jimmy jumping off the bridge is jumping from some cops aka biggest bro haters ever, shit id do anything to fuck with the biggest bro haters

Broey Harrington said...

bro this shit is good but i realized your list is lacking what is one of the staples of bro life outside the the essentials of booze and babes, and that is political incorrectness. back in the day, i remember a glorious time freshman year playing a rousing game of drunken "name the indian tribe" and accepting redskins and other terms like that for real tribes. honestly shits gotta happen quick

Anonymous said...

There needs to be a post about being invincible. Every bro is fuckin invincible.

Anonymous said...

Remember that kid who jumped off yankee stadium onto the net? He wasn't a bro, but you bet the three bro's who went to the game with him were. The kid got cold feet and this led to some serious Bro style peer pressure, we started a chant "sit or jump". He jumped bro.

Mean BRO Greene said...

NYB I'm glad Gollum has made it into your eternal list of nicknames for Slam Pieces and I am once again thankful we have this text of biblical broportions to read every week. Thank you fine sir.

Matt BROlliday said...

"While the game is boring as shit due to the fact that it’s baseball"

-WTF???? this is not a bro quote. hating on AMERICAS PASTIME is about as unbro as it gets. if you are going to hate at baseball you mine as well be endorsing fucking field fairy third world soccer.

Big Boys Blogging said...

Doing the John Wall at Graduation..classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxbROmV3X_k

Tim Brolsen said...

My name is Tim Olsen. My bro's call me Timmy. I got arrested Friday night for being peer pressured into trying to flip a pussy ass smart car out front of the bar by myself. I'm printing this post out and framing it. Thank you.

MIZ-FKU_69 said...

Peer pressure is the shit. I once convinced one of my bros to throw a dry ice bomb from our balcony into the fat slampigs lair below and that shit went off too fast and broke his finger and plastic from the bottle got in his chest. He being a bro and tough as shit can still throw a 90mph fastball with a crooked index finger. Needless to say we got those bitches back with trimmed pubes, vomit, and red paint in their beach ball and shot it with an air rifle. Now thats some stanky shit!

Joey said...

fucking great, exact same thing happened. got drunk at a game, pressured one of our boys that does all the stupid shit to run out on the field, called him a bitch, pussy, faggot, and any other name that a bro refuses to be referred to as, and he did what ever bro should do, ran out onto the field and pushed one of the players, ran until he couldn't any more, got tackled, then got up and put his fist up in victory as he was being escorted off

Buzz Killington said...

this goes so well with #117 having a bitch. you can pressure your bitch into doing whatever you want. it definitely isn't peer pressure though because a bitch is not the peer or equal of a bro.

BROSKI said...

The subtle line that I always use: "It's not peer pressure, but don't you wanna be cool??"

Anonymous said...

"It's not peer pressure, It's just your turn."

RyGuy10 said...

funny as shit. my one friend ben thrives on peer pressure and always does dumb shit. we had a house on the beach for a week about 20 bros 20 sluts and tore shit up. heres what happened when we told him "you won't put your hand on that burning hot grill."

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31055336&op=1&o=global&view=global&subj=1329090918&id=1329090158

Anonymous said...

I would like to take a moment here to acknowledge the awesome comments on this article. Namely, Anonymous from July 21 at 9:17 "it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn".. god damn right.

And Timmy your concise but hilarious comment might just take the Bro Cake.

Anonymous said...

The Gollum and Tricksy Hobbits lines got me cracking the fuck up. Classic! I love this website so fucking much!! Hilarous!

terrell BROwens said...

i very often peer pressure my bros into going to slam pieces' house parties, getting them drunk, then robbing them fucking blind. bros gotta get money somehow, and robbing sluts isnt even a crime

Charles BROnsen said...

Even the most zealous and faggoty bro-haters cannot deny that the greatest feats by man kind have been a product of direct peer-pressure. And behind that pressure, no doubt, were a group a Bro's furiously chanting "Do-it, do-it, do-it!" in hopes of furthering the human race's existence.

BROny Montana said...

That Gollum crack made me spit my bourbon on my secretary's hair, and she looked up thinking she was finished! Too funny NYB.

Anonymous said...

it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.

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