#197 Playing Golf

Bros have no equal. We’re the best there is and that’s a fact. However, for some reason growing up, teachers, parents, and all those bullshit PBS shows always tried to tell us we’re the same as everyone else. I mean, honestly, give me a fucking break. If those poor kids that got into my private #111 High School on some bullshit need based scholarship were actually as good as I am, wouldn’t you think their parents could actually make enough money to, you know, AFFORD to send them to private school? Thank God there are still ways that we as Bros can prove that we’re superior to everyone else. While, due to Brocism, most competitions are now on an even playing field so that Bros no longer dominate, there are still a few games out there that belong to us. While #171 Lacrosse may indeed be the true Bro pastime, everyone knows Bros fucking love playing Golf.

#196 Calling Girls Fat

Why the fuck weren’t you invited to this party? Sure, the last time you were here one of your bros got fucking wasted and took a dump in their shower, but it’s not like they could prove it was you. Fucking Brocists. You can see some of the members of the house giving you the eye, but you’re fucking bigger than them. Plus they’re fucking pussies, so they’re not gonna start shit. As you and your bros start laughing about how some fucking loser had to clean up your bro’s shit last time, you feel a tug at your sleeve. You dart your neck around expecting to see some hot slut chomping at the bit to give you a #145 BJ outside next to the trash cans, but there’s no one to be seen.

“AHEM,” calls the voice from directly below you. She’s like 4’11’’ and shaped like the fucking Pillsbury Dough Boy.

#195 Hating Police

Bros fucking love Gangster Rap. But it’s not because we grew up in the fucking hood slinging rock on Crenshaw Boulevard - it’s because we are the Gangster Rappers. Every rap song ever written is about three things: #1 Getting fucked up, banging slam pieces, and talking about how #135 fucking loaded they are. Sound familiar? Only difference is we don’t have like a million kids running around, but that’s just because we’ve discovered ways to get girls #24 unpregnant.

#194 The Swimsuit Issue

Sports are fucking amazing. They give us highs. They give us lows. They give us heroes like the Yellow Mamba. And they even give us fucking losers like Andray Blatche who we can basically just #97 shit upon. For years, we’ve gotten much of our #129 Sports knowledge from a magazine - Sports Illustrated. But, in today’s World of instant information, why does this magazine actually still exist? The reason arrived in our mailboxes just last week as Kate Upton’s rack that would make a fucking cow jealous sent every guy in America from 6 to midnight: the Mother Fucking Swimsuit Issue.

#193 The Stride of Pride

Your head is pounding and you’ve got no fucking clue where you are. There’s some bitch lying next to you and judging from the fact that you’re naked, you’re pretty confident you banged last night. Who the fuck is this chick? She’s definitely not from your Slam Piece Rolodex. She seems pretty passed out so you grab her purse and try to find an ID so you can show your bros pictures of her on facebook. NICE!! $40 IN CASH! She won’t miss this. Besides, that’s a pretty good deal for the best sex of her fucking life. Now it’s time to get the fuck out of here.

#192 Pranks

Nobody fucks with Bros. I mean, sure they fucking try, but it’s pretty much just a death wish. If any Bro-Hater ever fucks with me or my Bros, you better believe there’s gonna be a fucking war. Now, even though we’ve seen every episode of #73 The Wire, that doesn’t mean wars entail “tooling up” or fucking beating the shit out of some Hoppers on the corner with baseball bats. Fuck that – we’re not trying to “catch a body like that” as hardcore gangster rapper/Degrassi High alumnus Drake once said. Instead, we hit those motherfuckers where it hurts. We prank the shit out of them.

#191 Being Assholes

What the fuck happened last night? The last thing you remember from the bar is getting paid 10 dollars and a Slim Jim to #97 take a dump on the Women’s bathroom floor. You vaguely remember some girl screaming at you to stop, but you just gave her the fucking finger and kept reading some ESPN article on your iPhone. Just as you’re nodding your head thinking you couldn’t possibly get any more amazing, you see it. There’s a fucking girl in your bed. Who the fuck is that? You check your phone and find you sent out a mass #122 text at 2am: “What arre yoju up to?” with only one response from a girl that apparently goes by the #28 name, “Wendy’s Slut (fat).” Oh fuck, you went Dumpster Diving. Under normal circumstances, you’d be fucking pumped at banging with some girl when you had a BAC that would legally classify you as dead in 5 states, but this girl isn’t anything to celebrate – she’s fucking busted. And not “would only do her after 5 beers busted,” I’m talking fucking Ursula from “Little Mermaid” aka the “Khloe Kardashian of the Sea” busted. She needs to fucking go.

#190 Snow Days

I can’t believe this shit is almost over. It seriously feels like football just fucking started. As amazing as the buildup and ultimate shit show that is #104 Super Bowl Sunday will be, the completion of the NFL season leads to one of the worst stretches of the year where the closest thing we have to sports “entertainment” is Kenny Smith arguing with himself about whether Ernie Johnson or Charles Barkley look better in a fucking photo-shopped sombrero and mustache. Even worse, it’s almost as if hot Slam Pieces are fucking allergic to cold, since they’re nowhere to be found. Sure, it’s true that most Slam Pieces fly South of Bros’ belts for Winter, but still, it’s not like the fucking Summertime lay-up line. So, over the next couple months, with football and slam pieces (for the most part) out of the picture, what the fuck is there to look forward to? Why the fuck should we even drag ourselves out of bed? Because Winter means one thing: mother fucking Snow Days.

#189 Leading Girls On

Bros, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: Girls love getting banged as much and maybe even more than we love doing the banging. So why do they act like they don’t? Fucking society. Society says if you submit to your biological urges and bang every Bro you see, you’re fucking unnatural. Now why the fuck did this happen? One word: Jealousy. All the fucking fat, ugly bitches who Bros obviously would never want to touch unless we’re AT LEAST 20 beers deep AND on a worse #78 cold streak than the Angels before that loser orphan kid started hallucinating and flapping his arms like some fucking retard decided they wouldn’t take this shit anymore. So they invented the word “Slut.”

#188 Christmas Parties

Bros don’t need a reason to fucking party. We throw down non-stop all year long. But shockingly, since fucking “normal” people aka losers don’t have our perfect genetic makeup, they can’t hang 365 days a year, so instead they created a few days where even they have no excuse but to celebrate. They call them “Holidays.” #99 New Years Eve, #86 Halloween, and even the made up Hallmark bullshit #151 Valentine’s Day definitely fit into this category, however the blowouts for all those holidays only last one day. There’s only special Holiday that last for an entire fucking month. It’s Christmas season, and that can mean only one thing, mother fucking Christmas Parties.