It was a Friday night about six months ago. We were all in my bros’ basement pounding brews, playing beer pong and listening to some Pearl Jam, typical bro behavior. That’s when my bro’s girlfriend walked in with one of her friends. As she made her way around the circle of bros, I decided to size her up for a prospective pounding. Just as I do when I meet any young lady of the night, I began judging her from the bottom up. Legs were a definite check, as was the ass. Rack was very nice as well. That’s when I saw it. Her face. It looked as though her face had been hanging out with those refugee kids playing with landmines in Pakistan from “Charlie Wilson’s War,” no actually that’s too kind--imagine taking a buzz saw to Snuffulopugus’s trunk and leaving just a stump. Immediately, all bros met eyes and nodded knowing, “She needs a nickname.” Within 10 minutes we had narrowed it down to two names: Duckbilled Platypus and Snorkel. After much debate right in front of her we decided to go with Snorkel, possibly because its easier to say, I don’t know, but we went with it. After that no one bothered to learn her name, we just referred to her as Snorkel. You see, that’s the beauty of having nicknames for girls, they have no fucking idea you are talking about them, no matter how much you rip on them. Obviously, nicknames for girls are extremely useful and a staple for bros, let’s take a closer look at exactly how girls can get their nicknames.
The Hot Girl You Don’t Know – I can tell all the bras out there are fuming right now, especially all that know me personally, panicking trying to figure out what their nickname might be. Relax – not all girls get nicknames – if you are cool and are invited to hang out with bros regularly, chances are you don’t have a nickname. Also, nicknames aren’t always negative. Say you are in an Ethics class in college and this tall blond with a rack the size of the fucking Andes sittin in the first row. Well these days you could easily find out her name on facebook and stalk her that way, but back in the day we had to just go with “Ethics girl” or “Ethics slut” depending on what she would wear to class because we didn’t know her name. This also works at the workplace. Say there’s a hottie working on the 3rd Floor or in HR, you can just refer by her place of work like “HR girl” and everyone will know what you are talking about.
Sexual Nicknames – This is where things start to get degrading for the ladies. Bros are not gentlemen. Not only do they kiss and tell, they fuck and tell. Bros love telling other bros about the crazy shit that happens in the bedroom and they ultimately identify old slam pieces with moves they may have pulled off. Say a girl is not into “finishing the job” she might be known as “The Camel” in reference to their spitting ability. Or perhaps the lady tends to squirt – she might be known as the “Super Soaker.” Whatever it may be, the great thing about this is that bras would never guess that bros would tell their friends about their “abilities” and they would never ever guess they would come up with a nickname for them. Therefore, bros break these nicknames out all the time in their presence.
Nicknames Reflecting Physical Characteristics – Bros have perfect bodies. Everyone fucking knows that. It’s this fact that allows bros to judge all girls out there and if they aren’t a 10 in our book, you better fucking believe they are going to get a nickname. There is a wide spectrum of girls who earn nicknames from bros. For example, one of my bros used to hook up with a ridiculously hot girl, however unfortunately for her and very fortunate for us, she had a blond mustache. You couldn’t see it at all, but my bro could feel it during a makeout sesh. Obviously he told us about it and she was known as “The Walrus” going forward. I really can’t believe she didn’t catch on when everyone would get drunk and start yelling, “I am the Eggman!” and “Coo Coo Ka Chew” when she was around. I would argue the best nicknames come from physical characteristics the girl can’t control whatsoever. For example, in College there was this freak 6’2’’ “woman” who I swear had balls at one point in “her” life. Instead of letting her live her life peacefully we had to come up with a nickname: “Manbeast.” Everytime she would enter the Caf we would yell out – “Hide your women and children!! Manbeast is here!!” We also did impressions of things she definitely said in the privacy of her own home, such as “I am Manbeast!! I will club you and eat your bones!!!” This was mostly done with her sitting at the table next to us, which provided for the best comedic effect. I know what all you bras are saying- “You are such an asshole” well fuck you bitch, if she didn’t want to be made fun of, she shouldn’t have decided to be a fucking mammoth beast.
So, I’ve provided just a few of the many nicknames we’ve given to girls over the years – I would love to hear any solid demeaning names you bros have given to bras in the past.
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