Tuesday, February 16, 2010

#106 Mardi Gras

It’s a Thursday in the dead of winter. You and your bros are playing some ball at the gym trying to sweat out some of the alcohol from last night. Since you’re just fucking around, you’re obviously more concerned with making jokes than actually trying to win. As you grab the ball at the top of the key you start jawing at your bro.

“This is what we call the ‘Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake.’ First you think I’m moving left, then you think I’m going right, but I just go straight through your motherfucking legs!”

As you slam on the 8 foot rim, you scream, “Game. Winshasa.”

Big mistake. All your bros immediately stop laughing and get stone face serious.
“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you. Everyone knows that Winabi is the motherfucking town in 'The Air Up There.'”
“Yeah, what the fuck are you thinking?”

Since you’re a bro, you don’t back down to anyone. So you snap back, “Fuck off, you don’t know shit. How dare you challenge me. I’ve seen that fucking movie like 20 times, I've even got a fucking Jimmy Dolan St. Joe’s #34 throwback jersey.”

As things start to really heat up and it looks as though punches are about to be thrown one of your bros speaks up, “Shut the fuck up. All of you. Look at yourselves. What are we, fucking #100 Guidos? Are we really going to “throw ‘bows” over this shit? We’re better than that. We’re better than everyone. We’re bros. Look, this fucking winter has got us all a little crazy and I think it’s time we mix this shit up. We need a change of scene. It’s time we get the fuck out of town. It’s time for a #79 road trip. It’s time for fucking Mardi Gras.”

You and your bros are immediately sold. Quickly you start the “Mar-di Gras” #4 chant and within seconds you are all jumping up and down body slamming each other screaming the only French words outside of "Ménage a trois" that a bro should ever know. Twenty minutes later, without even wasting time for a shower, you and your bros are hitting the road for the ultimate bro trip. Next stop – the biggest shit show on the entire fucking planet – Mardi Gras.

New Orleans is one of those cities that was designed specifically for bros. I remember walking down Bourbon Street for the first time at the age of 16 and thinking that I was in fucking heaven. There’s strip clubs and bars everywhere. There’s even people #48 puking all over the streets while others chant their name. One time I saw some woman so fucking drunk that she fell slow-motion into a huge ass puddle of horse shit and vomit. Obviously I just laughed and didn’t help her up because I’m a fucking bro. Also, she was fat and therefore worthless.

New Orleans is basically the bar equivalent of the #61 Vegas club scene. While Guidos are dropping 10 grand on bottle service just so they can say they were at the same fucking #45 club as the fat Kardashian sister, bros can go to New Orleans to drop $2.50 on a 32 ounce beer and just scream shit in the street. While this shit happens pretty much all year round, there’s no better time than Mardi Gras.

When bros go on road trips to Mardi Gras, they rarely even have a place to stay. Maybe they have a friend of a friend who goes to Tulane or some shit who said they could shower at their place, but that’s about it. Sure it might not seem so smart right off the bat to #8 roll deep to an unfamiliar town with no place to stay, but you are forgetting – bros are the smartest people on the planet. First of all, bros don’t’ fucking need to sleep when they are at Mardi Gras. Sleep just sobers you up and therefore is a waste of money. But say you want to get a little sleep somewhere that isn’t your car. What ever are you going to do??? That’s right find some slam piece and just use-bang her for her bed. Problem fucking solved.

While New Orleans is known for it’s food, music, and water park, the aspect of life that bros identify with best is the exchange rate. Of course I’m talking about how giving girls beads means you get to see some fucking #69 titties. This is by far the greatest invention that God ever created. Just get a handful of cheap ass beads for like $5 and you can literally negotiate what you want some random stranger on the street to do for one of your beads. I always love the fucking self-righteous girls who demand “high quality beads.” Please, it doesn’t fucking matter what beads you get, it’s not going change the fact that you’re a whore.

Bros realize the genius in this system, so you better believe they try to bring the traditions to their house parties. I don’t think it’s possible to go through College without going to at least one Mardi Gras party where there is some prize for whatever girl gets the most amount of beads at the end of the party. The night usually starts with bros going around to all the slam pieces and testing them by half-jokingly asking them what they would do to earn the beads. By about hour two it’s clear who is going to take home the prize. Usually it’s the girl who’s been passed around by all your bros. She’s usually standing in the corner, drunk as shit, surrounded by bros who have been chanting, “SHOW YOUR TITS” for the past half hour. Of course, she does, and of course every time those #5 nipples get broken out there’s a huge “YEAAAHHHHH!!!!” and #13 high fives all around.


While for most of the World, Mardi Gras means the last day of partying before Lent, bros don’t give a fuck about all that shit. All it really means is that bros are going out on a fucking Tuesday with a shitload of beads and pretty much a 100% chance of seeing some titties. Will you have to take these girls out on a #75 date to see their knockers? No. Will you have to #49 call her or even know her name? Fuck no. Just give her about 10 cents worth of plastic and let the magic happen. God I fucking love Mardi Gras.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

in my first New Orleans experience i was at a rush event, we got a vip section in the strip club and had crown and coke on tab...blackout

Paczies and Tits said...

Sick post. The fucking water park line and picture was golden.

frattastic said...

Mardi gras is the shit, i go to the namedropped New Orleans school and nothing is better than mardi gras. we even have classes cancelled for it.

Tommy Brohama said...

The only bad thing about when they open up the waterpark is that the slam piece count goes way down. And a handful of plastic beads will just get you shot, but bros realize this and tend to stick to the part of town where titty flashing sluts also roll deep.

Anonymous said...

air up there reference was great... just watched that movie yesterday

wanna-be bro king said...

I am all for getting drunk on a Tuesday and calling out a bitch for looking like a duck billed platypus. But I have chronic bro hater symptoms and an advocate for slam piece rights. I think I might also be a minority.

FRATTYLAX.BRO said...

I go to New Orleans every summer for week. Best town for drinking and eating. Cause there is really nothing else to do. and Slam pieces from Tulane are easy. they might be smart but 4 shots of vodka and they will ride your dick to poundtown. in the summer tons of southern belles there for interships in the city.

Anonymous said...

holy shit that is exactly how my frat's rager went down last weekend. Except the prize for the girl with the most beads was never collected because she was too fucking drunk. Gotta love party gras

Anonymous said...

water park hahahaaha

Anonymous said...

the water park picture was honestly the funniest fuckin thing i've ever seen... long live bros

C-3PBro said...

NYB good job keepin' everyone on their toes and postin on a tuesday. And i love the dunkig on an 8-foot rim reference. Pick up b-ball games are really the only place that your #94 token black bro can't roll with you, while you have to jump to throw down on an 8 foot rim he is jumping over you to jam on a 10 foot rim. Just unfair ha. Great post NYB.

Anonymous said...

^parti gras-fresno bro?

comets8744 said...

Did you write this NYB?

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/bro_youre_a_god_among_bros

Anonymous said...

I go to the University of New Orleans and i agree with everything you said about the city during mardi gras. In fact just last night, me and my bros were in the middle of bourban with our pants down and thirty dollar cigars in our mouths with two middle fingers up yelling "fuck society", then my buddy spent $60 to get head from a stripper.

SigChiBro said...

I too, experienced my first mardi gras at a young age. This is only because my father is an older bro who knows what the fuck is up. Yes, he is actually a lawyer. And yes, he does shovel me money every chance he gets. Did he ask questions when I blew 600 bux at the bars the past two weeks? fuck no, he just said atta boy and wrote me a check. NYB you sir, are bro-king among bro-kings.

C said...

My last trip to New Orleans I got in an argument with a bouncer over my Georgia ID being real (it was, fuckin bro hater) and after deciding that bar wasn't good enough for me I proceeded to piss on the side of it. Well wouldn't you know they called the cops on me (BRO HATERS). So I ran and somehow got into the residential section of town. After hopping two fences I found a tool shed, so I decided that it would be a sufficient place to hide until my lookout bros txtd me that the coast was clear. Well as soon as I opened the door I saw a fridge, and after checking found it to be STOCKED with bud-light. So I shotgunned 8 of some dudes beers while hiding for 2 hours and then returned to drink the rest of the night away and tell every slam-piece I could that I ran from the NOPD. Great weekend

Anonymous said...

in something pretty unrelated to the post, id like the bring up possible bro cred for kid cudi for this verse

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thing

just gettin high and drivin drunk and not givin a fuck
your opinions?

Mark Bro-nell said...

Great post NYB..I was expecting something this week about how that bro hater called society celebrated Valentine's Day this weekend, but of course Party Gras just takes the cake.

PS WHO DAT!

KiD BroDi said...

to the anonymous who posted the kid cudi lyric. so fucking true. also, major cred to ludacris for creating that song "one more drink" with tpain. can it get anymore bro than that?

i love mardi gras almost as much as i love not calling bitches back, nice post

Broda said...

fucking awesome, being a bro it is

Real Muthaphukkin Bros said...

Kid BroDi-

T-Pain sucks dick and that AutoTune bullshit ruined music. That is all, move along.

Anonymous said...

NYB- you are not a bro-king, you are a bro-god. Just got yelled at in class for busting out laughing at your "water park". Prof is clearly a bro-hater. Bros for life.

Anonymous said...

Real Muthaphukkin Bros, never come back to this site. Bros love the tightest pop jams featuring high production values.

Anonymous said...

is a Mark Gastineau jersey considered bro, by the way fuck all you douche bro haters

nolabro said...

NYB you are the man, thanks for representing for us bros that LIVE Mardi Gras year round.

BROmar Vizquel said...

Kid Cudi is one of the few quality new rappers or any kind of musician these days. In my opinion most post-90s music sucks. And Mark Gastineau was a very bro player back in the day. Any other bros looking forward to another week of watching #63 America's #67 famous athletes dominate the Winter Olympics? Some to keep an eye on are slam piece skier and Sports Illustrated swimsuit #95 model Lindsey Vonn, as well as the USA hockey team, which features its greatest collection of young talent since the Gordon Bombay era, including Jack Johnson (a very bro player with the same name as a very bro singer) and Patrick Kane (look up the story of when he punched out a cab driver). I also liked the Lent comment by NYB. So many people give up stuff they shouldn't be doing in the first place (sex, jacking off, #70 weed, #91 cursing). If you actually gave a shit about your religion you would never be doing those things in the first place.

-BROmar Vizquel
"Cleveland bros rock"

Anonymous said...

Hit up NOLA for start of Mardi Gras & the Saints Superbowl. Spent the entire night spraying slam pieces w/ Champagne & pouring Crown down their throats. Titties all over the place. Ridiculous. Great post Bro...

Anonymous said...

@ the scrub from University of New Orleans, you are obviously not a bro because you are poor. Otherwise, you would go to Tulane. Boom, roasted.

BROde Miller said...

BROmar/Others, Kid Cudi is obviously the biggest bro in the rap game right now. He holds it down but he doesn't make it too obnoxious like Asher.

-The only thing that calms me down is pussy and some cali tree

Anonymous said...

In defense of the bro from UNO, I'm from Nola and Tulane is a bro-hater haven. Nothing but blazer-wearing, tube sock-rocking, converse motherfuckers. Nola doesn't have a true party school. UNO is the closest thing to it. NYB, great post. Nice to see the 504 getting some recognition. Fact: Mardi Gras is the shit.

thomas said...

Edgar Alan Bro:
best post ever. party on wayne.

Anonymous said...

bros make sure to take advantage of one of the best opportunities for #4 chanting for the next few years. USA! USA! USA!

Anonymous said...

Help me out NYB i'm sick and tired of constant bro-cism. Today my bro hater assistant principle made me put a sweatshirt over my blue moon t-shirt. Granted I riped it off like a warm up vest the minute she turned around i was still pissed for a good five minutes. This bro-cism is bullshit and i feel like it if i want to carry around a fucking billboard that says "i love getting fucked up" i should be able to. Please help me find support and answers for this bro-cism cause it just isnt right

Hulk BROgan said...

Being a full time bro from california and sometiems a full time student at UNO, I salute this shit.

Pac Man Brones said...

Kid Brodi, Ludacris has a more bro song with Jeezy, its literally called Drinking and Driving. Theres only one verse to it but thats prob because he was too busy drinking and driving while getting some dome shots to finish the thing. You tube that shit.

Daniel BrOrton said...

Wednesdays are the best fucking days of the fucking week, not because tomorrow is thirsty thursday with slam pieces crawling out of their dorms and sorostitute houses lookin for some bro cock, but because NYB is gonna post the funniest [and only] thing i'm gonna read this week

god bless america, god bless bros

deBRO said...

My bro John McMurphy totally dominated this Mardi Gras. He took this slampiece from the bar to his car. Lied about his name, age, job, residence, and contact information. He got the slampiece to put her head out the window so he could beat it from behind and after he was done went back to the bar to find another slampiece. EPIC

Anonymous said...

Australia (specifically Melbourne or UNSW) is an extremely bro place to study abroad. Are bros going to be speaking another language there? Absolutely not. Are they going to be doing hard work in class? How about a fuck no. They will be getting fucked up every night slamming the slutty Australian and American broads who are in the market for some bro d.

Anonymous said...

As a Tulane grad, I love this post; it's phenomenal and absolutely spot-on.

"Water Park" reference is kinda fucked up though.

Aside from that, love the site and keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Me and the bros went to New Orleans and did the ol' bait and switch. Twirl some fancy beads around your finger to get the attention of some random slam piece(anything that lights up will do), then get her to show her tits and or clam then when she's done toss her 1 cheap "oriental trader" style bead. Nothing pisses of whores more than that.

Broseidon King of the Brocean said...

word my brotha

bromosexual said...

my bro got dome from some 45 year old slammer on the side of a fucking gas station this past year. what a piece

Anonymous said...

Being from NO I've been doing bro shit at mardi gras ever since I can remember. Also whoever says UNO is for poor kids and tulane is better doesnt know shit. Tulane is one of the biggest bro hater schools out there and most of the bros I know either go to LSU or UNO. I went to LSU myself and then moved back to NO

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