It’s Tuesday afternoon and you’re bored as shit. With nothing to do but spread bro cheer, you and your bros decide to take your weekly trip to Home Depot to #97 take dumps in the model toilets. Unfortunately, for some reason fucking Home Depot decided to hire extra security to stop you guys this week. While you’re bro is mid-dump, they swarm him like he’s fucking George Lopez at a Diamondbacks game. Just as he’s getting #40 kicked out with his pants around his ankles screaming, “Someone call Amnesty International!” you see it - feet upon feet of clear vinyl tubing. You instantly realize what you have to do – make a gigantic fucking beer bong.
You arrive home with your supplies and attach the grey funnel to the 20 feet of tubing .Immediately, you declare, “I christen thee, ‘Long Bong Silver!’” As your bros clap politely someone smashes a fucking bottle of champagne. It’s time to celebrate - you’re throwing a fucking rager.
As you see people starting to filter in and #3 sluts deciding which bro they want to bang, it’s time to break out the entertainment. You and your bro climb up to the roof dressed in fucking pirate costumes. As your bro throws the bong over the edge, you cry out, “Shiver me timbers, bitches. Who wants to walk the fucking plank??”
Immediately someone screams out, “Aye, Aye, Cap’n!” and runs to the bottom of the tube. You fill up the funnel with a six-pack of Natty and two shots of vodka just for good measure. As the chugger waits for the foam to die down in the funnel, he raises his arms in the air calling for more cheering. You give him the word that the foam is gone. He takes a deep breath, drops to one knee, and begins one of the greatest athletic feats known to man – chugging enough alcohol to kill a small animal. As he takes his last gulp, he jumps up screaming, “#20 It feels so good once it hits your lips!” Everyone starts #4 chanting “Frank-The-Tank! Frank-The-Tank!” People are #13 giving out high fives and the slam pieces are getting visibly wet as shit. Up on the roof, you turn to your bro and say, “Tonight’s gonna be fucking awesome.” You better fucking believe it is – and it’s all thanks to that 20-foot beer bong named after a shitty seafood restaurant. After all, you're a bro and you fucking love drinking beer fast.
Bros are always the best in everything they do, so why should drinking be any different? While society might call drinking fast a sign of binging, bros know what it really means – that you’re the fucking man. Why the fuck would anyone want to just sip on a beer all night? Unless you’re a fucking one-beer queer, you’re not even getting a buzz much less hammered from that drink, so what’s the fucking point? Bros realize that the only reason to drink is to get fucked up and honestly what better way to do that than by drinking fast as shit. Here’s a few ways that bros drink fast:
The Beer Bong: I don’t know who invented the Beer Bong, but honestly, whoever it was deserves a fucking Nobel Prize. It really doesn’t get much more bro than using equipment bought at the fucking hardware store to allow you to chug beer a few seconds faster than you would have using a can. Bros are busy people so you better believe they need those few precious seconds to do important shit – like pounding more brew and slaying slam pieces!
Drinking Games – When bros have a party they don’t send out invitations in the mail. They don’t have dinner with nametags at each seat for the guests. Fuck, they don’t even clean their house. Bros have parties to get fucking wasted. Bro parties consist of kegs, a #6 beer pong table that everyone is huddled around, and drinking games. Drinking games allow people at the party to avoid talking to each other and focus on the real reason why they came – to get fucked up. Now I’m not talking about dumbass games like “Asshole,” which promote bullshit like “strategy” and “thinking,” I’m talking about the card or dice games that get you straight up fucked where there’s absolutely no social interaction whatsoever and the only focus is fucking chugging. You can always tell if it’s a great fast drinking game because anytime it’s brought up someone yells out, “Oh man, that game fucks you up!”
The Keg Stand: Whoever decided, “Hey - I’m tired of drinking out of this #19 keg using boring cups, how about you guys prop me up in the air and I’ll put my mouth on the tap and just chug,” was seriously a fucking genius. Bros are fucking smart as shit, so they eliminate bullshit useless middle-men like cups. If bros could drink beer straight out of the brewery bottling taps, you better fucking believe they would. And nothing gets a party going like a good old-fashioned keg stand count up. Honestly, if you can’t get at least 20 seconds on a fucking keg stand, then you seriously don’t even deserve to stand up when you pee.
“Time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted.” I can’t remember exactly who wrote these inspirational words, but I’m pretty sure it was Jesus. Anyways, while this might be true, a bro never wastes any time when getting wasted. So this weekend, chug the beer. Set new personal speed drinking records. Get fucked up faster than humanly possible. Be the bro.