It’s a Saturday afternoon. You and three of your bros are sitting around watching TV but there isn’t shit on. “We could hit up some #6 Beer Pong?” Normally everyone would go for that because bros fucking love beer pong, but you held down the table for like 5 hours last night so you don’t really feel like playing. That’s when it hits you. Case Race. You go pick up two cases and draw names out of a hat to pick teams. Fuck. The #37 DOFF is on the other team. You have your work cut out for you. Things get started and you are absolutely crushing beers but predictably the endless garbage disposal of a stomach on the other team is taking care of business. Its time to start shotgunning to catch up. You slam two in a row and all of the sudden you are tied, but you need to keep pace. Two more down the drain – only this time things don’t go so smoothly. The minute the lukewarm Natty Light ran down your throat you knew this would be trouble. You stand there motionless and completely mute. Your teammate is yelling at you to “get your fucking head in the game!” But it’s too late. Here it comes. Just like that 10 beers and a 7-11 Chili-topped Big Bite are all over your living room rug. You are disappointed, but that’s when the slow clap begins from your bros. Be proud. You fucking booted.
Bros fucking love throwing up. I know, I know, I originally said in #21 Bros Only Vacation that throwing up is a bitch move, but I thought long and hard about this very serious topic and I changed my mind. I thought of all the bros I have ever known and tried to think if there was even one who I had never witnessed throwing up from drinking. There are none. That’s because puking is a fucking bro move. Sure there are fucking haters out there who will call bros that puke “bulimic sorority girls,” “chemo patients,” or my personal favorite “that little slut from The Sixth Sense,” but fuck them. You know they’ve gotten nice on some puking in the past. There are only two words that can describe drinking so much that your body is literally poisoned. Fucking Awesome. Yeah, it’s true, sometimes puking can cause a night abortion – but nine times out of ten, you will rally. This is perhaps the greatest thing about puking. Not only do you feel better, but all of the sudden you can drink a shit load more. This will seriously help you to get more bro cred.
There is a fine line a bro has to walk when it comes to throwing up. You DO NOT under any circumstances want to be the guy who throws up every time he drinks. This does not make you a bro; this makes you a bitch. However, a well-timed and directed puke can provide some legitimate bro points. Let me explain. It is of the utmost importance to puke towards the beginning of the night/day. This way the next day when bros ask you how your night went you can tell them, “Holy shit man it was out of control, I actually booted at like 3:30 and then fucking drank for 12 more hours!” Much like bros love #36 peeing in places that aren’t toilets, bros love puking is crazy places. For example, this past weekend I puked on a girl at a bar. Most people would be horrified by this action and seriously consider stopping drinking altogether. Most people aren’t bros. I’m proud as shit. Other places that bros might puke which would get some major bro cred include backseats of cabs, pretty much anywhere that someone poorer than you has to clean it up, or most impressively: on their slampiece.