I fucking hate bro-haters. It seems like they’re fucking everywhere these days trying to bring bros down. I really find it troubling that in a world where equal rights are universally accepted, bros are still persecuted on a daily basis. Honestly, why would anyone want to #24 bring a child into a world where people aren’t free to #97 take dumps in communal dryers, #2 steal giant statues of the Hamburgler from McDonald’s, or most importantly, get so wasted at a restaurant that they get #40 kicked out for #36 peeing on a gumball machine at 3pm? Bros were fucking born as bros. We are who we fucking are. We’re not changing, so society damn well better learn to accept us. While society repeatedly makes up words like “chauvinists” and “misogynists” to bring bros down, we just take that shit in stride. Bros know that the only reason they are calling us that shit is because they’re just fucking jealous. It’s not our fault you fucking #89 hipsters got a swirly every day back in grade school. If you didn’t want your head shoved in a toilet maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to be fat.
While bro-cial epithets never bother bros, there is one thing that we will never stand for. It’s a fucking ridiculous statement. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking that society may actually cause bros to stop acting like bros just because of some bullshit “disease” #83 doctors invented to scare people into not having fun. Among all the accusations that bro-haters spew at bros to help them get over the fact the only girl they will ever bang is their fat wife they met on Match.com, there is one that always surfaces: “Bros are nothing but alcoholics.” Fuck that – the only diseases that a bro should ever worry about catching from drinking come from slam pieces, not 30 packs.
Alcoholics are 60-year-old homeless men who hold up signs on the side of the road begging for money so they can “feed their family.” Alcoholics fucking drink alone in their one bedroom apartment and call their estranged kids at like 2am asking how their Little League team is doing, only to realize their kids are like 30 years old. Bros aren’t fucking alcoholics. Sure bros abuse alcohol – but they don’t do it to kill their depression. Why would a bro ever be depressed – he’s one of the smartest and #109 best looking people on the fucking planet? Bros abuse alcohol to get fucked up with their bros and bang slam pieces.
Who the fuck even came up with the rules as to what makes you an alcoholic? A fucking bro-hater, that’s who. I always love hearing all that shit about how having more than three alcoholic drinks over the course of a night means you are binge drinking. Since bros aren’t fucking #111 High School girls raiding their parents’ fridge at a slumber party, they’re going need more than three drinks to even get a buzz going. And what’s all this bullshit about having a high tolerance making you more of an alcoholic? Bros take pride in their high tolerance. Bros get fucked up like five nights a week. Sure that might seem like a lot to people who consider a “night out drinking” is having a white zinfandel at the fucking opera, but please, bros are a genetically superior being. Our DNA is fucking modeled to be able to drink like Andre the Giant on a #58 bender. But honestly, does being able to down a case of Natty before even #35 going to the bar mean that we have a fucking “disease?” Fuck no.
I’m pretty sure every bro has had that sit down with their parents warning them about Alcoholism being in their family. This is all fucking bullshit. I don’t think I would want to be in a family where there wasn’t at least one person who loved to drink. Drinking is fucking awesome. Out of the top 25 greatest moments in my life, I would have to say 24 of them came when I was fucked up, with being born as the only one happening sober (probably). Any great story a bro will ever tell you will undoubtedly start with not only “We were so fucked up,” but also an explanation of just #1 how fucked up you were. Why should some Witch Doctor-like diagnosis stop us from our good times?
Even after all our hard work and contributions to society, it still gives us shit. Do bros deserve it? No. Will upper-middle class white males between the ages of 18-35 ever catch a fucking break? We can only hope. We don’t know what the future holds for bros or if we will ever be accepted for who we are, but we do know one thing for certain: no matter what the World thinks of them, bros will never submit to their degrading labels. Hello World, my name is Ned’s Younger Brother, and I’m not a fucking Alcoholic - I'm a bro.