Wednesday, June 30, 2010

#124 Not Being Alcoholics

I fucking hate bro-haters. It seems like they’re fucking everywhere these days trying to bring bros down. I really find it troubling that in a world where equal rights are universally accepted, bros are still persecuted on a daily basis. Honestly, why would anyone want to #24 bring a child into a world where people aren’t free to #97 take dumps in communal dryers, #2 steal giant statues of the Hamburgler from McDonald’s, or most importantly, get so wasted at a restaurant that they get #40 kicked out for #36 peeing on a gumball machine at 3pm? Bros were fucking born as bros. We are who we fucking are. We’re not changing, so society damn well better learn to accept us. While society repeatedly makes up words like “chauvinists” and “misogynists” to bring bros down, we just take that shit in stride. Bros know that the only reason they are calling us that shit is because they’re just fucking jealous. It’s not our fault you fucking #89 hipsters got a swirly every day back in grade school. If you didn’t want your head shoved in a toilet maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to be fat.

While bro-cial epithets never bother bros, there is one thing that we will never stand for. It’s a fucking ridiculous statement. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking that society may actually cause bros to stop acting like bros just because of some bullshit “disease” #83 doctors invented to scare people into not having fun. Among all the accusations that bro-haters spew at bros to help them get over the fact the only girl they will ever bang is their fat wife they met on Match.com, there is one that always surfaces: “Bros are nothing but alcoholics.” Fuck that – the only diseases that a bro should ever worry about catching from drinking come from slam pieces, not 30 packs.

Alcoholics are 60-year-old homeless men who hold up signs on the side of the road begging for money so they can “feed their family.” Alcoholics fucking drink alone in their one bedroom apartment and call their estranged kids at like 2am asking how their Little League team is doing, only to realize their kids are like 30 years old. Bros aren’t fucking alcoholics. Sure bros abuse alcohol – but they don’t do it to kill their depression. Why would a bro ever be depressed – he’s one of the smartest and #109 best looking people on the fucking planet? Bros abuse alcohol to get fucked up with their bros and bang slam pieces.

Who the fuck even came up with the rules as to what makes you an alcoholic? A fucking bro-hater, that’s who. I always love hearing all that shit about how having more than three alcoholic drinks over the course of a night means you are binge drinking. Since bros aren’t fucking #111 High School girls raiding their parents’ fridge at a slumber party, they’re going need more than three drinks to even get a buzz going. And what’s all this bullshit about having a high tolerance making you more of an alcoholic? Bros take pride in their high tolerance. Bros get fucked up like five nights a week. Sure that might seem like a lot to people who consider a “night out drinking” is having a white zinfandel at the fucking opera, but please, bros are a genetically superior being. Our DNA is fucking modeled to be able to drink like Andre the Giant on a #58 bender. But honestly, does being able to down a case of Natty before even #35 going to the bar mean that we have a fucking “disease?” Fuck no.

I’m pretty sure every bro has had that sit down with their parents warning them about Alcoholism being in their family. This is all fucking bullshit. I don’t think I would want to be in a family where there wasn’t at least one person who loved to drink. Drinking is fucking awesome. Out of the top 25 greatest moments in my life, I would have to say 24 of them came when I was fucked up, with being born as the only one happening sober (probably). Any great story a bro will ever tell you will undoubtedly start with not only “We were so fucked up,” but also an explanation of just #1 how fucked up you were. Why should some Witch Doctor-like diagnosis stop us from our good times?

Even after all our hard work and contributions to society, it still gives us shit. Do bros deserve it? No. Will upper-middle class white males between the ages of 18-35 ever catch a fucking break? We can only hope. We don’t know what the future holds for bros or if we will ever be accepted for who we are, but we do know one thing for certain: no matter what the World thinks of them, bros will never submit to their degrading labels. Hello World, my name is Ned’s Younger Brother, and I’m not a fucking Alcoholic - I'm a bro.

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

we're not alcoholics, we're drunks. and damn proud of it.

It's Possible to be Bro in NYC said...

it's like you're writing the thoughts in my head, but better-
loved the part about the parents, after hearing me puking one morning home from college they sat me down to ask if i knew what binge drinking was, i replied "No, there's no such thing. There's drinking, that's it." To this day they're still bro haters, but thanks for articulating this so well. great piece

Anonymous said...

Thank you. This fucking speaks to me. I hate all the bro haters out there who think that just because I can tank a fifth faster then they can drink a beer I am an alcoholic.

Bro G said...

right on my bro, right on.

Anonymous said...

This morning my hangover was so bad, I looked in the mirror and said "I'm getting too old for this shit". Then I come to my computer to find this posted at exactly the same time. The gods have spoken, and I will continue to fight the good fight.

Anonymous said...

unfuckingbelievable

Anonymous said...

My dad was once one of these so called "alcoholics" but then, when I reached the age of 18 aka became a true bro, my dad saw through the bullshit illusion and started boozing like the bro he was when he was my age.
A borderline rant of a post NYB, but still worthy.

Anonymous said...

Great post, nothing is more bro/frat than getting absolutley slammed with your fellow bros.A Standard nightfor a bro could consist of pregaming at your bro pad's pool(and no not a gdi apartment complex a true bro has a house with a pool) followed by a happy hour somewhere, a few patron shots at your dad's ritzy mens club immediatley followed by a complete blackout sesh where you slam a slooter in a bathroom stall in a bar after doing a key right in front of her before you plow her...and don't even feel bad about the fact that the bathroom door was open and the whole bar saw. Who cares? They are bro haters anyways...great post NYB keep up the good work. Frat dogs need entertainment and you're the man at it. Thanks for looking out

Anonymous said...

Hello World, I'm a black bro and I'm not a fucking Alcoholic- I'm a bro.

I'm not an alcoholic- I'm a bro shirts !!!

Anonymous said...

Great post NYB, alcoholism is considered "14 drinks in a week or more" which is fucking horseshit because this would mean only 2 drinks a night, and considering bros are genetically superior in every way - including their intelligence, #109 looks, and of course size- this wouldn't even get bros a semi-buzz, since the average bro is probly around 195+ and exceptional at holding his alcohol.


Fuck hipsters, Bros rule

-Broda

Anonymous said...

great fucking post NYB. i can't count how many times my parents have sat me down after stumbling into the house, asking me if i have a fucking problem. the only problem i have is that i love drinking and hanging with my bros, and if thats a problem, then fuck it.

JimBro Fisher said...

Tolerance is one of the most important and coolest parts about being a bro. It takes me more to get drunk because I'm better than light-weights. At everything.

Am I an alcoholic because on multiple occasions in my life I've started my morning with a Natty? Hell no, it just means I know how to/am good at partying. Am I an alcoholic because I drink ten brews before going to the bar? Fuck no, it just means I know how to handle my shit and nobody is gonna have to worry about me all night.
If my impressive tolerance weren't enough to keep me raging all night (which it is), God gave bros an amazing gift in the form of nose candy. Brocaine has helped my drinking endurance on several occasions, and plainly stated, it's fucking awesome.

If you're too much of bitch bro-hater to drink for hours on end, maybe snorting some blow will help. But chances are, if you can't drink like a bro, you're probably to big of a puss to blow a few lines of heaven. If that's the case, pop a fratteral I guess, but stop thinking you're a bro because you clearly are not.



DRINK LIKE A CHAMPION TODAY BROS

Vincent Van Bro said...

Bros, if we're not blacking out every other nite we're not living life to its fullest. Blacking out is one of the funnest things a bro can do (along w slamming pieces/ running on fields during games), because if you don't remember shit obviously you had a great fucking nite.
"Bro for life,
Don't find me a wife,
Just throw me that slam piece,
Cause I Catch and release"
- Pat Burrell Bro

Peter ForsBRO said...

JimBro Fisher: truer words have never been spoken.

Anonymous said...

brilliant post NYB, any true bro can relate. i thought you were starting to slip a little but you are back with a vengeance with this one

Anonymous said...

Hey Miroslav Brose,

A true bro know that AAA is for your beemer and has nothing to do with drinking.

Brony Montana said...

One of me and my bros favorite pastimes is to rip shot after shot and then see what we blow in a breathalyzer we bought online. Anything above .35 is a coma right? Fuck no. You better fucking believe we can all have a BAC of .4 and still be coherent enough to steal shit or give out free tickets to slam pieces for the 3 a.m. Pound Town Express.

Even Jesus knew a party is nothing without booze so when the booze ran out he turned water into wine. By spending a shit ton of cash on booze because we drink so much bros prop up the American economy. So bro-haters you shouldn't put us down with made up diseases you should be thanking us.

Drink on bros.

Tony Bromo said...

Alcoholics go to meetings, bros don't. "Tolerance is addiction" - fucking horseshit. I outdrink sloots and GDIs because they have a problem, not me.

slampiece said...

this is the most epic thing ive ever read. i was you, NYB.

AfBROman said...

Bros fucking love drinking. This last weekend me and my bro were hanging out at the pool, obviously blackout drunk, and this slut and her friend have been eyefucking us for the past few hours, so we tell them we'll come over later. Later that night we go over there, and they tell us how much they like us, as if I give a shit about their feelings. This slampiece decides her and her friend are going to go across the street for a few minutes. Bad fucking decision to leave to drunks bros in your house. So naturally, while they were gone we proceeded to piss in her full laundry basket, shit in her bathtub, and change her laptop background to two asian sluts cumswapping. Later that night she found out what we did. But, not only did they clean up my bros shit, we both got head from her and her roommate that night. Bros fucking love drinking.

Anonymous said...

Quality post NYB.
I pray that one day bros can overcome brocism and legally crush natty lite at all hours of the day in any location a bro damn well pleases.

Anonymous said...

You aren't a bro unless you have gotten your stomach pumped

Anonymous said...

true bros are upper upper class, sorry poor people your just white guidos

Beatrice Howe said...

You know what? My father DIED from alcoholism, and it IS inherient-IT IS IN MY BLOOD! I am so sick of you foolish people and I will pray for you all!
John, book 1 chapter 1
verse 14
"Now, Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was."
That basically says, drinking is BAAADDD! SHAME on all of you. I just took out my niece's 8 ways to say no D.A.R.E card and it says safety in numbers!!! WHere are the rational people on this site!!! Your life is too precious and to short to waste. Before I go to bed tonite and feed my (now 11 cats) I shall pray for attonment of your sins and hypocrisy, may your livers turn from black to golden-chartruse and have a wonderful day!

Anonymous said...

The only drinking problem I've ever had was not having a cold brew in my hand.

BROger Federer said...

NYB,

If a bro could physically cry, I would've cried at this post. I have never before seen something that i agree with so much. Everyone knows that bros can't be alcoholics because we are genetically perfect and there is no room for that shit. That being said, I guarantee that i would drink an alcoholic under the fucking table.

FBGM

Anonymous said...

beatrice howe,

i really cant tell if you're serious or if you're somebody making fun of a typical bro hater response.

if you are serious...obviously fucking kill yourself.

if that was an attempt at a joke...rip off your dick, fuck your own face with it, then fucking kill yourself.

excellent post nyb as always.

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

1. NYB, Epic. Alcoholics drink alone and have no friends, thereby disqualifying Bros completely.

2. I hope this is a joke, Beatrice Howe. That bible verse has nothing to do with drinking, you psycho cat fucking bitch. If drinking was bad, why was Jesus' FIRST miracle getting people drunk? Why do priests and ministers drink wine at every communion? My grandparents could easily be considered alcoholics by your bro-hating standards, but they're 73 years old, healthy and happy. Just because no bro would ever lay pipe to your dried up fur ball of a twat, doesn't mean you need to come here and act like you're better than us, you bitter old bitch.

Anonymous said...

i hate when u walk in a fucking pregame with a 24 pack and bro haters think u brought it as like a fucking community thing and try to grab one. "come on bro theres no way ur gonna kill all of those." no fuckstick i plan on finishing all of these. then im going to keep ordering jack and cokes at the bar until i go fucking blind. because for years dating back to early high school i was getting fucked up on the reg and banging slamdingos while u were concentrating on your music or grades or athletic career. or wost of all a fucking girlfriend that didnt like it if got drunk.

believe it or not bros, there are actually people like that in this fucked up world.

$Big-Easy$ said...

What Beatrice and other bro-haters don't understand is that bros are genetically superior to everyone else and 2 fifths would normally kill an average person a bro still manages to get laid and obviously drive. I say if you're drinking and you don't break the dozen mark you need to hand over your balls. As a big bro I usually hit twice that drive home and slay all night.

Don't let the bro-haters get you down. Live Bro!

Anonymous said...

hahaha @Beatrice Howe almost thought it was a bro-hater until the 11 cats comment.

Samuel Adams: Brewer and Patriot said...

"Alcoholism" is bullshit. Fuck you Bro Haters, I don't have an addiction to alcohol, I can stop whenever the fuck I want. I just don't want to.

Fratrick Kane said...

Beatrice im pretty sure your dad didnt die from alcoholism, he died because your such a fucking bitch

Anonymous said...

alcoholism is bullshit, just another way for bro hating bitches to try and bring us down.
my grandpa is 87 years old, drank a six pack everyday through his 70's and early 80's, fucking bro king.
His liver is done now so he has to drink Coors NA, i give him shit for it everytime i go over there

Long live my grandpa, long live bros

Martin BROdeur said...

I'm pretty sure one of the major actual criteria for determining if you're an alcoholic or not is if drinking affects your social life....

Well fuck ya it does... it makes it better.

Anonymous said...

If you're Ned's Younger Brother, who the hell is NED? And is he funnier than you?

Anonymous said...

alcoholics go to meetings, bros are drunks.

St. Fratrick said...

JimBro Fisher: you are a great bro.

NYB: when are we gonna get a post on cocaine? Shit's getting really popular amongst my bros. Every bro should try it AT LEAST. I can't imagine how you couldn't like it either.

Anonymous said...

not to question you NYB for you are a true king, but I believe you mean: "every bro has had to sit down with their MOM warning them..."

The way I see it is their father would have no part in this because he was once a bro(prior to marriage, which he was probably forced into because of our bro hating older sister being conceived...).

Its the same reason why there would be "alcoholics" in our families--we are decendents of bro's--its in our blood--chances are those "alcoholics" are probably males.

Anonymous said...

Least Bro thing I have been forced to do is go to substance abuse sessions after getting busted by Bro-hater cops a couple too many times. Our Bro-hater society thinks my flasking at the big game is the same as smacking my wife around and driving my pickup truck into a tree. When someone calls me an alcoholic, I tell them to Kindly Eat Shit And Die. Props for speaking some truth NYB

Anonymous said...

I don't have a problem. I drink, i get fucked up, I pass out. no problem.

-B

Double Bro7 said...

Last fourth of July we took a BROad trip to Jersey shore to crush beers, laugh at all the tools, and play dodge the herpes. A bro and I celebrated the fourth crossing off a state for every beer we drank. A bro hating mom kept asking us if she could drink a state. You better believe we gave her puerto rico because we couldnt spare any real states. Only after crushing the contenintal US and the other two did we head out to tickle the beanjo at the bars.
Beatrice if you have a blog, I want to read it. You crack me up.

License to Bro

Anonymous said...

killed 9 beers in 30 min and banged 2 chicks in the next hour. damn it feels good to be a bro

Frosty The Broman said...

This site is so fucking bro.. Bro's love being bro's... my bro iced me right before first period last month.. people accused me of being an alcoholic for drinking malt liquor at 7 AM but i said fuck that i'm just a bro.

Anonymous said...

some bra called me and my bro alcholics today because we were gattin fucked up on the fourth...wtf who doesnt get shitty on the fouth

Randy Bross said...

great post NYB

i drank so much fucking brews this past 4th of July weekend that everytime i lift a drink (alcoholic or not) to my mouth i start chugging just off of habit

bros love alcohol. just that simple. keep up the good work

Bob Brobert RIP said...

Speaking of not being alcoholics, RIP Bobby Probert

A Real Bro.. said...

there's a few things I've noticed and figured I'd bring up:

you mention that "bro's" are upper-middle class....I'm not sure where this came from considering true bro's are all upper class. Sounds like a bit of widening to fit in all the wanna-be bro posers.

Since when did being "bro" consist of going to the bar and smashing down Natty lights? This whole stigma you've created of being bro means being the best in the UPPER class and wouldnt that mean your smashing down $500 bottles of wine?

Some people really don't understand the satire on this site. So many "bro-posers" these days.....

Your not bro if:
- You go to community college
- You dont drive a car costing over $35,000
- You received scholarship money to go to school
- Your family only has 1 house

Let's take back the "bro" culture away from the wanna-be's who constantly post their extremely embellished stories on this site.

Anonymous said...

"Real Bro" Several things:

1. Wine is for slam pieces and faggets.
2. Bros are smart as shit
3. Bros are the best athletes on the fucking planet
4. If you had any brain cells you would realize we get scholarships for the two previous items
5. Frat sodas are the shit

That is all

PSUbro said...

this is beyond true. the other day my mom told me i was going toward the side of alcoholism because i had a fucking beer bong in my closet. no shit i have a beer bong. how else can i drink three beers at once? solid post.

Anonymous said...

bros, try this one on for size.
im a graduated bro, and so far, im obviously kicking the worlds ass.
i was told last week that i would be going to China for business.
i was supposed to leave july 1st (aka Canada Day) and since i live in Ottawa, the nations capital, there was no fuckin way i was missing this party

instead, i booked a flight that was 2k more expensive on July 2nd, so that i could get fucked up with my bros...

after packing, the drinking began at about 11am and finished around 2am the next day... from a 6 hour long pre-game to a bar tour, me and my bros were fuckin rolling deep all night and slam pieces couldnt get enough

The cherry on top was the hangover i had on the 14 hour flight that left at 6am the next day.

Anonymous said...

Bro,

Sorry, but you are Canadian, get the fuck off America's Internet. Canada day? You best be screwing with us.

Best Regards,
Red, White, and Blue

Henrik Broqvist said...

My only drinking problem is 9am classes

Anonymous said...

bros arent alcoholics, alcoholics go to meetings

Paul said...

im not an alcoholic, i'm a bottlehead.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC