Thursday, December 2, 2010

#144 Four Loko

It’s Saturday night and you are beyond fucked up. After holding down the #6 beer pong table for the past 7 hours, it’s time to move on to the main event of unprotected sex with a stranger. You’re headed to the ten-#19 kegger on Griffen when the worst fucking feeling in the world slowly starts to creep up on you like Brad Childress at a Chuck E. Cheese. You’re starting to get tired. Sure you’ve drank enough to kill a 13-year-old girl, but it’s only like 11 o’clock. You’re not fucking passing out now. You tell your bros you need a pit stop at 7-11 to wake the fuck up. As your bros check out the “Glutes” magazine and argue about which Black Girl has the biggest ass, you scope out your options. Coffee? Fuck that - you’re not some fucking #89 hipster headed to a Green Peace rally. You could grab a #43 Red Bull or 5 hour energy, but you’re trying to get more drunk, not sober up. That’s when you see it. Perched in it’s multicolor can – it’s the motherfucking Broly Water. While your bros are busy #2 stealing all kinds of shit they don’t even need, you give the cashier $3. It’s fucking worth it. You start chugging that shit before you even leave the store. Rest assured there will be no derailment for the Pound Town Express tonight – and it’s all thanks to one of the greatest inventions in the fucking world: Four Loko.

As you may have gathered from the past 143 posts – bros fucking love alcohol. But, unfortunately, one of its worst side effects, besides accidentally banging fat girls, is getting tired. While every bro knows there are plenty of energy drinks to combat this, bros realize that any non-alcoholic product is nothing more than a waste of fucking space in their body. That’s where Four Loko comes in. Four Loko is the equivalent of like 6 beers and two red bulls, which can even get your fucking #37 DOFF buzzing. Not to mention the fact that that shit is only like 3 bucks. What a fucking deal! Honestly, it’s so fucking cheap they should seriously consider just sending Four Lokos to all those starving kids in Africa. I mean, what do you think they’re gonna enjoy more, a fucking bowl of rice or 6 beers and two red bulls?

The great thing about Four Loko is that it’s not just a bunch of fucking hype. Shit is legit. You do crazy ass shit that would never fucking happen while drinking just boring plain alcohol. For example, one of my bros recently had two Four Lokos, went out to the bars like normal, but instead of just going home to his bed, he decided (or should I say Four Loko decided for him) to break into some random house and sleep there. How fucking awesome is that? Luckily they weren’t home so it’s one of those no harm no foul sort of things, but Four Loko literally caused him to commit a felony! Over the past couple months drunkenness hasn’t been measured with, “Yeah, we were drinking for like 10 fucking hours,” but rather, “Well, I had drank like 3 Four Lokos” and I for one think this is fucking amazing.

Unfortunately, much like anytime we as bros take an interest in something, society is working to shut us down. In perhaps the worst case of Brocism to ever emerge, the fucking Bro Hater Government is working to outlaw our favorite beverage. Their claims are that it’s “dangerous to our bodies” and that the “combination of alcohol and caffeine causes people to #23 drink and drive.” Fucking please. I’m not gonna sit here and listen to fucking Brocists tell me what I can and can’t put in my body. The government telling us that Four Loko isn’t good for our body is basically the same as telling girls they can’t get an #24 abortion. I mean, seriously, don’t they realize that bros are fucking genetically perfect? Besides, you know who the people getting sick as shit off of Four Loko are? Bro-haters. Just because some fucking losers can’t handle their Malt Liquor/Energy drink shouldn’t mean that bros should be forced to suffer. And don’t get me started about the people who have died because of the product. I heard somewhere that some girl drove into a pole after having just one Four Loko. Fucking please. Did anyone ever consider that the reason she got in an accident wasn’t because she drank a Four Loko? That maybe she crashed because she was, oh I don’t know, a girl??

Now before you call me a heartless misogynist, I’d like to remind you that you’re a stupid bitch. I’m interested in facts, not just some bullshit finger-pointing at my favorite drink. You see, much like bros get blamed for everything, so too does Four Loko. So anytime you talk shit about Four Loko, it's like you're talking shit about bros. Whenever the newspapers or some fucking hot shot Doctor gets on TV warning about how “unhealthy” or “dangerous” Four Loko is, I just fucking crack another bottle and start chugging. If it’s so bad for you, then why the fuck does it make you feel so fucking good? Suck on that logic, bitch. Anyways, as Four Loko nears it’s extinction, it’s time for bros across the country to track down as much of this inspirational drink that they can get their hands on. By gathering cases upon cases of the sweet nectar that is Four Loko, we can join together to let the Bro-Haters know – you may win this battle, but you won’t win the fucking war. Four Broko for life.

72 comments:

Anonymous said...

The very first week of college for me this year I had two four lokos and a couple shots, shit got raw....living the bro life

Bro Sidon said...

If anybody has a pallet of this shit I can get my hands on let me know asap...

Anonymous said...

there are videos on youtube of me and my bros bonging and shotgunning these amazing concoctions. I think they put "four" in the name as a challenge. very few can drink 4.

BroCaine said...

It started on Spring Break in Panama City 2010 where we discovered the mix of malt/energy ... little sweet nectar I like to call Jooce. When we returned back to Philly and asked for Jooce, they looked at us like we had six fucking heads. They pointed us out to their only selection of malt/energy drinks, Four Lokos. Fucking watermelon, Lemonade, blueberry.... Aside from this drink being hands down, the most delicious disgusting liquid I put in my mouth (thats what she said), It brought our drinking to a new level. Banging fat girls became more common amongst my friends, especially Dunleavy. Aside from that minor side effect, Our brotherhood prevailed

Anonymous said...

Doesn't the court system have something better to do than hate on our Four Lokos. When I first heard, the bros and I stocked up and wrecked shit at our boy's beach house. Bro Life.

Biagio said...

NYB, you are a hero to bros everywhere. Thank you for standing up to the oppressive regime of the Bro Hater Government and fighting for our god-given Freedom of Drink.

Blazed Bro said...

As the fourpocalypse approaches the bros in my pad and I decided to stock up on the loko goodness. We went to every beer distributor in town and found that there were only 100 cases left. so what did we do? we bought half of them. Only reason is we figured other bros would wanna get in on the action so we left them some.

Seth Brogen said...

Fuck yes on this post, the fact that this shit is being banned proves how fucking awesome it is. My frat's having a "Four Broko" party, where the only drink served is Four Broko; impossible to say how much shit's gonna #55 get broken and how many #44 girls are gonna cry. Time to stock up before it's gone.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Four Loko the fastest way to blackout city! You will be missed sweet nectar

Cleveland BROwns said...

Nothing better than a Grape or Lemon Four Loko to get the testosteBROne flowing.

Anonymous said...

Don't Worry Bros My Pops Owns an Anheuser Busch Distributor who carry's 4Locos and upon hearing the bad news I called my father to see what I could get my hands on. He told me not to worry that he spoke to the people at 4Loco and they are coming out with a new version of the great blackout juice and it should hit the Distributors by middle to late December I was so happy upon hearing this great news that I called every bro in my phone to give them the heads up! Just a short time away we all will be breaking shit, blacking out making slam pieces cry and trying to Finnish 4 of them before we go to jail. Long live 4LOCOS bros!

Anonymous said...

The new version won't have caffeine in it

Loco for that Broko said...

I did the 4 Loko Challenge(4 Four Lokos) shit was ridiculous.

Best. BLTS Article. Ever. Keep it up!

The Man With Bro Name said...

"Now before you call me a heartless misogynist, I’d like to remind you that you’re a stupid bitch."

I spit out my Four Broko when I read this, I was laughing so hard. Bravo, NYB.

I remember the day last month (November 17th) when the FDA announced that they were making brewers remove caffeine from Four Loko. It was a greater national tragedy than 9/11. I immediately went to my local liquor store and bought out their supply. That day will live in infamy.

11/17/10 - Never Forget, Bros.

Demar DeBROzan said...

Anyone know if there is a way to get my hands on some 4 Broko in Canada? I've been trying for a couple of months now, haven't found it anywhere.

12% BroJuice in a Can said...

Goddamn government bro-haters. I doubt my worthless Dem representative or Senators will pay attention to my constituent letter about how much freedom the FDA is taking away from me by taking away my favorite drink to top off the 12 packs of Bud Heavy I down before heading to the bars to trawl for slampieces. I was hoping the geniuses at Four Loko could come out with some Fun Dip like device that has the caffeine in a tiny canister that is attached to the side of the Four Loko without caffeine in it. Then you can just add to it and create the madness in a can we all fucking love. Fuck the FDA and fuck you all. Bros rule.

Chodesworth McBro said...

new ingenious idea to mitigate the tragedy of a new caffeine-less 4 loko: pour a five hour energy (or two) into a 4 loko and then pound that shit.

Anonymous said...

great post. me and my bro would drink one to get started then shotgun another before we left for the bars.

sir bros a lot said...

me and 2 other bros went to our rival high schools football team and we drank some four lokos. one of my bros is a pussy light weigh and he brought some 4 loko in to the game in a cup. long story short the cop got pissed and we got suspended. but the suspension kicked some ass because we just went to the food bank and threw shit around for 3 days.

fourboko said...

my fellow bros, i must call youre attention to some disturbing news. last semester our area became saturated with the pre-loco supplement of gods: joose. it too had its time, and it too became the target of the obviously unhydrated, sober bro hating government. needless to say we bought a stock pile and had a going away party. again, needless to say, they never became illegal.

i find it disturbing that my roofie drink of choice, 4loko, is receiving even worse treatment. the only obvious solution was to get our pledges to concoct an equally delicious drink. a combination of malt liquor, kool aid and red bull now will keep me in the animal state i must reach inorder to best escape fat bitches/slay biddies.

good luck to my fellow bros. each day it becomes harder to live the life a select few can live.

Anonymous said...

Need a shirt that says "Four Broko"

Anonymous said...

One of my bros went out and bought 60 of these just to make sure he has enough, at least for this weekend

Anonymous said...

ocho loko hands, figure it out and win a prize. by figure it out i mean tape some 4 lokos to your hands, by win a prize i mean have a good fucking time

Anonymous said...

4Loco is GDI

Frat hard my friends

brosef said...

Although four loko makes you feel like you are about to give birth after you drink it, that shit makes you feel bro as fuck. It also makes your dick grow 8 inches and gives you the confidence of a fucking lion. If you like head and don't like sucking cock this drink is for you. So government, suck my dick and kiss my ass because this shit is fucking chill as fuck. The only regulation on this bro ass drink should be that you must be a certified bro to drink it or you must be the ho of a bro. If you don't have any flow do not drink this beverage because you are a faggot pussy.

Anonymous said...

3 is definitely a guarenteed blackout...was at UVA a few weeks back, drank 3 over a course of 2 hrs, went a 400 person rager and then all of a sudden I woke up in an apartment with my other 3 bros that we had never been too before. left a note on these people's table and peaced as soon as we woke up. Nothing like time traveling with your bros

Anonymous said...

Guess who invented this sweet ass fucking shit?! Three men from the Kappa Sig house at THE BrOhio State University. We are the pioneers of this incredible drink. The day it came out in the school newspaper, I went straight to the Home of the Drunks and bought 20 cans. They're almost gone. Also, after we beat the living fuck out of Eastern Michigan in The Shoe (and I had obviously been drinking all day), my bros and I went to the bar, which is the last thing I remember. The bar we were at wouldn't serve us anymore (this is hearsay) so we left. Then my slam found me on the corner of Shell gas station on High and Lane chugging a Four with three bike cops coming my way. I crushed the rest of it and got the fuck out of there. I woke up at my fraternity the next day wondering what the fuck happened and apparently two girls literally carried me there from the Wendy's parking lot where I was passed out. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I emptied the last store in my town to have any, spent a couple hundred bucks stocking up. I had originally intended to sell them all and make bank once they were illegal but then I remembered I'm a fucking bro and I LOVE Four Loko. I have to drink at least one if I want to even have a chance at getting drunk anymore, I gotta go with the Ocho Loko if I want to get truly hammered. I might sell some of the nastier flavors but I'm already learning how to mix this shit to make it taste delicious! A few weeks ago my bros roommate (soon to be marine) downed FOUR of these bad boys in one night and proceeded to try and break his roommates arms and fuck people up the rest of the night. Didn't even puke. Bro King.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry NYB, but Four Lokos are for slampieces and dirty Mexicans.
I'll stick to my brews.

BigEd said...

The first time I drank Four Loko, I puked on my friends mom's rug and slept a good six hours laying face down in it. I woke up at 9:00am thinking it was like 5, and I figured I'd clean it up. I was still wasted out of my mind, and scrubbing the carpet. In my drunken scrub session, I failed to notice that Cathy was sitting in the kitchen in her bath robe drinking coffee and watching me scrub my own puke.

Anonymous said...

The FDA is a bieng run by the commies. The dont know shit about how much fun lokos are cuz if they did it obviously wouldnt be banned. Me and my bros have literally had only two nights this semester where a four loko hasnt been drank and every night has continued to be a top ten night. any ideas for a home brewed four loko recipie?

Anonymous said...

one part green dragon + one part extra strength 5 hour energy

BROshon Moreno said...

Even though the can looks like a GDI Ed Harvey graphic tee, there is nothing more Bro than packing that much alcohol into such a small space.

12% BroJuice in a Can, your idea is genius. Four Loko should offer a sidecar of caffeine that you can mix into your alcoholic beverage.

Anonymous said...

$HIT is a GEM!!!

- RAMBRO

Anonymous said...

one of my bros had a four loko for the first time a couple weeks ago. we went to a party and he got copmletely shitfaced, blacked the fuck out, and passed out on the couch. the next morning when he woke up, i thought it would funny to convince him he fucked a fat chick. he still believes that he fucked a fat chick at that party and he blames it on the four loko.

another one of my bros bonged a four loko one time. he started jumping everywhere and punching walls and stuff.

four lokos are the shit. fuck those people that are trying to ban them.

Anonymous said...

ultimate loko night:
5th of liquor with your bro + 12 of natty light with your same bro + 2 four lokos each with the same bro. black out recipe

perfect pregame: power hour with your bro, then loko each

Anonymous said...

4loco is about as GDI as it gets, Natty Light is the Broly Water, hands down.

If my bros need energy, we pound a fucking RBV

Brobias Fumke said...

Although the ban of Four Broko is one of the more tragic occurrences of my shirt lifetime, I must say that it has at least allowed me to experience the sight of countless bros around my college, UVA (bro paradise), carrying cases out of 7 Day and Kohn's by the dozen in order to stockpile. My bro's frat literally spent 1000 dollars on that shit

Anonymous said...

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it's Four Loko time!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Maybe they should ban liquor and energy drinks too because people might mix them. Its fucking stupid to ban four loko

Anonymous said...

I FUCKING LOVE GRIFFEN KEG CRAWLS!

Anonymous said...

Four Loko is legit. After consuming Four Lokos which lead to more beers and more shots, I also committed a felony. Did I destroy 5 cars while tailgating, maybe? "It's ok, they have insurance" - direct quote. Bros rule

Alexander BROvechkin said...

Epic post NYB. Two great stories involving the product.

Last year while pregaming with some of the bros, i drank 2 four lokos, 3 shots of whiskey, and then snorted a line of jack3d for an extra energy kick before raging the bars. No clue what happened that night, but from all the stamps on my hand from uptown it sounded like it was a hell of a night, not to mention waking up next to a slampiece whose name was saved in my phone as "girl from bar."

I go to college out of state, and it got banned in my home state, before break i stopped and bought a few cases of it. Went home and at the thanksgiving rager with everyone from home i sold them for 5 bucks each. Nothing like making a product and having gods gift to alcohol apparent at a party in a state where it is actually illegal.

Long live four broko.

Anonymous said...

I highly recommend trying Edward Loko Hands. Not only does everyone drink 2 four lokos, but it's a race at the same time. Perfect for pregaming before the bars if you and your bros are just looking to tear shit up

Dwayne Browe said...

Fuck yea bro, you could not be more spot on. Nothing brings a bro back from the brink of passing out like a Four Loko. It's like drinking a fucking Energizer battery.

marc said...

youre not a bro unless youre at least ocho loko

brohio state fan (brolando pace) said...

As a bro, I love fourloko. however, i'd still rather have beer. the government's mad brocism is just getting ridiculous, real talk NYB!

Anonymous said...

all about the john daly: lemonade loko and firefly

Anonymous said...

had a friend drink some four locos and ram his suv into some trees in a field bro

Anonymous said...

dude wow.. i mean wow. well said.. idea for another post though because its what im doing right now... drinking in the library while studying. it pleases me highly. bros for life

Arielle said...

this is my favorite post thus far. four broko for life.

Anonymous said...

can we see a "Four Broko" T-Shirt sometime soon?

Anonymous said...

one guy in my frat went to the local store and bought 600 dollars of the stuff. then called the liquor store and had them put the rest on reserve. pretty bro.

Abroham Lincoln said...

BUTT CHUG A FOUR LOKO AND SHIT GETS REAL, YOU LITERALLY TURN INTO ZEUS

BROS ARE THE SHET FOR LIFE

Anonymous said...

I butt fucked the entire state of Georgia after drinking Four Loko with vodka. Because you know what makes Four Loko better? More Loko, read alcohol. I live in the totalitarian state of Washington where they regularly brofile people for being awesome and kicking ass. Unfortunately, some fat girl from Central Washington University wasn't getting any play because all of the bros were busy hitting on her drunk friends that had given "implied consent" simply by drinking Four Loko. So what does she do? I'll tell you what she should have done, find the drunkest bro there and handed the conductor her tickets for the pound town express. Then we could have taunted the shit out of him and made fun of her for shopping at Lane Bryant. Instead she calls the cops and the next thing you know there is a national campaign to hate bros because this cunt said her friends were given Ruphys. What's that? Tests confirm the girls were just drunk. Tests also confirm that the big fat friend will remain a virgin and an outcast. Bitch.

If George Washington crossed the Delaware for freedom, he would have time traveled to get his hands on some Four Loko.

Anonymous said...

Wow, all those advertisements at the top of the page about alcoholism. Ironic.

Anonymous said...

four loko is for girls. if i want energy im drinking an RBV.

Anonymous said...

after a long lost night of 3 lokos, i drove back to the dorms got outta the car, passed out in the parking lot and got carried in by an RA..still didnt get in anytrouble

everybro has too have a last blackout from lokos before the bro hater gov't pulls them from the shelves

Anonymous said...

but seriously, Four Loko is pretty much the same as vodka-red bull, and ive been drinking that shit for years, so i dont see the big deal, NYB

12% BroJuice in a Can said...

Shit is confirmed and approved, broslices. Add berry-flavored 5-hour energy drink to a new caffeine+taurine+guarana-less fruit punch Four Loko and you're time traveling again like Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap. Shit tastes better than the formula Sparks had before their caffeine got obliterated from their mixture. Fuck the FDA, fuck the world, and fuck you. Four Loko for life, brostitutes.

4Brokos said...

Bros stocked up with 15 cases of the stuff... Got enough to last me the rest of the school year NYB

Anonymous said...

Four Loko is for GDI's. Bros drink Maker's Mark and other fine bourbon whiskeys.

Rugger8 said...

Original Four Loko + 5 Hour Energy
Who needs sleep? Not Bros

I made this parody, it will make you want one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3pzXOiBO30

Jimbro Fisher said...

FourLoko is the shit, end of discussion.

Anybody who says "it's only for slams/geeds" or "bros only drink beam/natty/etc." is a pussy.

Bros will drink anything, I don't care if it's FourLoko, Franzia, Bacardi Gold or fucking watermelon Smirnoff.

Anonymous said...

They read some of this at the end of the song broly water on youtube. this site is everywhere

Anonymous said...

Shit got banned in florida

Broseidon said...

Loko got banned here in California. Fuckin government is trying to kill us off like the Jews.

Anonymous said...

If I drink Four Loko out of the holy grail, would I party forever?

Anonymous said...

if only there were actually 10 keggers on griffen. would make WM a hell of a lot more fun

Anonymous said...

need energy? man up, blow or adderral. 4loko is for gdis

Anonymous said...

looks like the guys at national skirt day found a way to bring the caffinated four loko back

Brolodex for the brofessional said...

The day after they announced the ban on four loko, I sprinted all the way to the liquor store across the street and bought out all of the loko the fattie attendant had just pulled off the shelves. She asked if I was going to collect it or resell it. I told her "Fuck No! I'm going to give this the best send off I can." It was my birthday which is a time where I try and tell my bros thanks for their friendship. Four Loko pong and four loko you got served led to me and a few bros reaching the 6th loko limit. Not a very fucking good place to be. Sadly some slut thought she could hang with us and ended up going to the ER for vomiting blood... Too bad for her. Best Party Ever.

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