Thursday, December 22, 2011

#188 Christmas Parties

Bros don’t need a reason to fucking party. We throw down non-stop all year long. But shockingly, since fucking “normal” people aka losers don’t have our perfect genetic makeup, they can’t hang 365 days a year, so instead they created a few days where even they have no excuse but to celebrate. They call them “Holidays.” #99 New Years Eve, #86 Halloween, and even the made up Hallmark bullshit #151 Valentine’s Day definitely fit into this category, however the blowouts for all those holidays only last one day. There’s only special Holiday that last for an entire fucking month. It’s Christmas season, and that can mean only one thing, mother fucking Christmas Parties.

Now if you’re reading this shit and saying, “UMMM THAT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!!! IT SHOULD BE HOLIDAY PARTIES!!” Go fuck yourself. Seriously, I hope you get Dengue Fever and die. Pretending other holidays are equal to Christmas is like pretending Women are equal to Men. It’s just fucking horseshit. If Hanukah and Kwanzaa are so fucking great, then why aren’t there more holiday songs about them? Sure you’ve got “The Hanukah Song” by the guy who brought us the box office smash “Jack and Jill,” but after that what? “Dradle, Dradle, Dradle?” Do Jewish people actually play with their Dradles all day? Sounds fucking awesome, have fun with that while I’m checking out porn on my new iPad Christmas morning.

From Santa Claus to a shitload of presents to massive amounts of food, Christmas represents everything that makes America great. But sometimes, the true meaning of Christmas is forgotten: the parties. The entire month of December is a shitshow of celebration, so let’s take a look at the key destinations where Bros across the country have no problem using their Yule Log to spread holiday cheer all over some Slam Piece’s chest.

Office Party – For any bro that’s ever worked in an office, you fucking know this is the highlight of the year for all the beaten down men who fell victim to some fucking Bro Hater’s ultimatum and #178 got married. Sure a couple bottles of liquor and some karaoke machine might seem lame, but this is all they fucking have. So what do bros do at these lame ass parties? We fucking take advantage. The office Christmas party might as well be Vegas for all the girls who work there, because in their mind and pretty much everyone else’s, what happens at the office party stays at the fucking office party. Girls who act like sluts at the office Christmas party are like guys who bang fat chicks when they know no one will find out – sure you’re not gonna be happy with yourself the next morning, but when it all boils down, no one’s gonna give you any shit about it.

Family Party – Sure it might sound boring as shit to have to hang out with your whole family and a bunch of their friends for hours on a Friday night, but what better way to treat these parties than as a fucking #35 pregame. First step is to invite a shitload of your bros over, and not the nice ones that will actually talk to all the fucking adults, I’m talking the ones who get plastered and straight up #55 destroy shit. Next step is the most important, that’s right get fucking hammered. I’m talking hammered to the point your Mom might start crying because she thinks you have a drinking problem hammered. At this point it’s pretty much target practice. Obviously you’re fucking #135 rich, so your parents probably have at least one friend on his second or third marriage with some young Slam Piece with #69 fake knockers. Since she’s obviously only into him for his money, start making moves. After years of playing the role of Anna Nicole Smith to fucking Old Man Winter, you better fucking believe she’s gonna need a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign underneath her once you start laying game. Challenge her to a shot contest or, better yet, ask her to join you on the dance floor. If you can get your parents’ friend’s trophy wife to #29 grind on you while “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” plays in the background, you might have it takes to be a Bro King.

Friend Party – Let’s be honest, Bros don’t give a fuck about decorations, planning shit, or pretty much anything involved in most Christmas parties, but you know who does? Girls. Therefore, 9 times out of 10, the Friend Christmas Party will be thrown by some fucking Slam Piece that two of your Bros have likely already banged. She’ll normally also spend at least 6 weeks preparing for this, so there’s clearly no better time to fuck shit up. I like to pregame for these events, you know, so I’m ready to start causing destruction immediately. I always complain about how fucking cheap she was with her alcohol brand purchase, then drink that shit fast so I can yell at her for not buying enough. If there’s mistletoe at that party, you better fucking believe I’m putting that shit on my belt and going around the party screaming at girls to “KISS MY DICK BITCH.” Smashing ornaments can also be a fun party game. Yelling out “FIRE IN THE HOLE!!” or “MAZELTOV” just before they fucking shatter lets everyone know you’re a Bro and you’re there to fucking party. Basically, if you can get the hostess of the party to #44 cry, you’ve fucking done your job as a Bro.

The Christmas season gives us time to celebrate not only all that we have, but also how fucking awesome we are. We give thanks and praise for all the #177 shots we’ve taken, the nights we’ve #142 blacked out yet somehow still found our way home and most importantly, the girls we’ve banged. But perhaps the greatest aspect of Christmas Parties is that not only do we look back on all the amazing shit we’ve done, but we fucking top that shit. Merry Fucking Christmas, Bros.

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15 comments:

auburnbro said...

amen to that NYB. Can't wait to brew with my bros this whole break. War Eagle!

Anonymous said...

Classic post. Really got back to your roots on this one.

Anonymous said...

Outstanding

Bro Broman said...

A great post just in time for tomorrow's Christmas party shit show. Thanks NYB.

Anonymous said...

A+ NYB....A+. Having a friend christmas party tonight. Best thing about christmas is that new years is right after

Anonymous said...

NYB, its up there with one of my favorite posts already. Have a Merry Christmas, thanks for all the Bro-vice this year!

Broseidon said...

"...using their Yule Log to spread holiday cheer all over some slam piece's chest...."

Fucking hilarious. This post was one offensive and over the top analogy after another, it was like slamming 21 shots and then slamming multiple slam pieces all in one night. Santa sends his regards bitches.

Broklahoma Kid said...

Each Thursday afternoon I close my office door and sit back just waiting to see what this weeks offering from NYB has for me. In my book today's post is a game changer. The bar has been raised to the next level that Bros across America have all been hoping for! Way to end the year NYB! Absolutely Tremendous!

"After years of playing the role of Anna Nicole Smith to fucking Old Man Winter, you better fucking believe she’s gonna need a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign underneath her once you start laying game."

Merry Christmas Bros!

Anonymous said...

classic

The Once and Future BROking said...

I'm looking right at you, Jewish guy reading this post, sort of feeling like you have to defend Chanukah. Don't.

Anonymous said...

Could there possibly be a better Designated Obnoxious Fat Friend then the Grinch (pre-bullshit conversion, of course)? The dude was big as shit, got wasted off of toxic materials while probably reeking to high heaven, wrecked Christmas joy for an entire city, and slammed Martha May Who while the Mayor cried himself to sleep.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of having a small Christmas party with my girlfriend and my parents this year........psssh fuck no. You know that I'm going to my friends family christmas's and fuckin shit up. Good post NYB

UltimateFrisbro said...

Solid post NYB. This advice is really gonna help me get through the onslaught of family gatherings that comes with Christmas. I also suggest we fight against the Brocism we face during the holidays in addition to accommodating.

We usually host a New Year's Day dinner. But who the fuck wants to talk their 6 y/o cousin and grandma when they're hungover?. No fucking dinner this year. I told my mom I'll be on a ski trip. Activities include smoking weed and skiing all day, crushing labatts at the resort's bar, and hitting on sluts who try to snowboard. We'll take them back to my bros giant mountain house to "drink more" aka board the Poundtown express to my bunk bed.

Anonymous said...

Future BROking- coming from a jew, Hannukah doesn't mean shit, even to religious people. Doesn't stop us from getting fucked up at christmas parties without having to even avoid sentimental shit, while getting 8 straight days of hannukah bops from busty jewish hoes.

Anonymous said...

River Monsters is the SHIT

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