#206 Unidentified Drunken Injuries

It’s pitch black and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is #161 pounding and you’re pretty sure there’s #48 puke in your hair. You break out your phone to get some fucking light. Looks like you’ve got a missed text:

“Are you alive?”

Clearly, you made last night your fucking bitch.

#205 Drinking Games

God dammit that second fucking 7-11 Chili Cheeseburger Bite was a bad idea. You’ve just spent the past hour playing your Bro in a best of 13 full cup quarters match, and you feel like you’re about to fucking #48 blow. As the room starts to spin, all you see is a shitload of beer cans and that Slam Piece you #181 called over after the 7th game. Sure it’s only 6 o’clock on a Thursday and she was at the Library studying for finals, but that shit doesn’t matter. She fucking knew a Bro wanted to bang her, so you better fucking believe she sprinted over to your place. Now all that stands in your way from a Pre-“Jeopardy” slay-sesh is hitting this last cup (and holding in your fucking lunch.)

#204 Owning a Boat

Bros wipe their asses with $100 bills. I always hate hearing the fucking sob stories about kids needing to “work their way through college” since their parents can’t afford tuition. Hmm, well here’s an interesting idea, if you can’t afford to send your kids to College, then, I don’t know MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD FUCKING KIDS. Seriously, quit your fucking whining, everyone knows school is expensive and shit. I mean, do you even realize how much I spent at the bars in College?? FUCKING THOUSANDS! But did you ever hear me bitching about it?? Fuck no. Sure, most of the reason I didn’t complain was that I’m better than the fucking poor kids, but it was also because my parents are rich as shit, so I knew I never had to worry about taking some low paying fucking job to “make ends meet” or “buy books.” While every Bro’s family is loaded, we don’t just fucking sit on our wealth like that Jew Scrooge McDuck. We’re fucking out there buying shit so everyone fucking knows we’re better than they are. expensive cars and Beach Houses are staples in any Bro Family’s life, but nothing epitomizes what a Bro is all about quite like owning a fucking Boat.

#203 Girls at the Gym

Bros aren’t fucking #100 Guidos. We don’t spend our entire lives taking steroids and working out so we can go to the fucking #45 club in some Affliction T-Shirt that might as well read “I will rape you while you’re sleeping.” We’re better than that. We’re finely tuned genetic masterpieces. Bros don’t live what doctors might consider a “healthy” lifestyle, but we don’t give a fuck. Our genetic makeup is too fucking perfect to absorb any fat, but even Batman needs to hit the gym every once in awhile. While the primary reason that Bros visit the gym is to maintain perfection, everyone fucking knows the real reason we’re there: checking out all the Slam Pieces.

#202 The Last Few Weeks of College

All the good shit happens in the Spring. For the past few months we’ve been fucking cooped up inside in some weird holding pattern between the NFL and the playoffs/baseball seasons, and to be honest it’s kind of fucking blown. Sure we’ve been wasted for most of that time, but come on, do the prime slam pieces even make it out of their fucking houses during the Winter? Anyways, while weekends are already getting booked up for all #173 day drinking events, there was a time that I fucking hated what these weeks represented. A few years back, I looked at the calendar and didn’t see the swarms of Slam Pieces about to flock to the bars like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. I didn’t see the Beach Bars overflowing with people getting so wasted they had to be carried out at 10 am. I saw the end of College. I saw an end to my life as a Bro. Had I known what I know now, there’s no fucking way I would have been depressed about having to become an “adult.” I wouldn’t have given a shit that I didn’t have a job or even a fucking interview. I would have appreciated it for what it was, because Bros, it truly doesn’t get any better than the last few weeks of College.

#201 Getting High at Inappropriate Times

Laws don’t fucking apply to Bros. We do what we want, whenever the fuck we want to do it, and you better fucking believe we get away with that shit, too. Why? Because our Fathers will fucking sue the living pants off anyone that tries to give us any shit. While currently, the Bro Hater that is society has put laws against buying, selling or holding #70 weed, bros don’t give a fuck. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Throwing that shit out? Motherfucker please, that’s not gonna stop us. You see, with Weed, much like with everything else, Bros need a fucking challenge. We’re not like some loser, content to spend his meaningless life married to some fucking heffer, working some shitty job just so he can afford to feed his wife whatever the fuck fat bitches eat – probably goats lowered to them like the T-Rex’s feeding in “Jurassic Park.” Sure it’s fun to get high as shit and watch Adam Sandler movies before he decided to stop being funny, but where’s the fucking adventure in that? Bros need to experience life to it’s fullest, and that’s why we get fucking high as shit at inappropriate times.

#200 Having a High Tolerance

This fucking bitch didn’t know what she was getting herself into. It was clear the moment she saddled up next to you at the bar that she was houndin’ for a poundin’ but for some reason she wanted to make you “earn it.”

“If you want to go home with me, you have to beat me in a drinking contest,” she slurred out of the side of her mouth. You tried to warn her, but then she pulled out the trump card: “Come on you fucking pussy.”

You shook your head and replied, “Whatever, it’s your funeral.”

Brocism in America: The Bengals Cheerleader and The Bro King

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t support child molestation and there’s nothing Bro about rape. I think people that do that shit are fucking disgusting. Thankfully, the molestors and rapists that get caught get everything that’s fucking coming to them in prison. That being said, there’s been some bullshit Brocism brewing over the past few weeks, and I’m not gonna fucking stand for this shit. Here’s a brief recap from the Washington Post:

Sarah Jones, the captain of the Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, was indicted last week on claims that she had sex with a 16-year-old high school football player four or five times and exchanged numerous text messages with the student, as first reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Jones, who resigned from her job as an English teacher at Dixie Heights High in Kentucky in November, faces charges of first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts.

#199 Rob Gronkowski

Bro Kings aren’t manufactured - they’re fucking born. I remember the first time I heard of him. Bill Simmons was going aspeshit on twitter during a preseason game where he blew up for something like 4 touchdowns or some shit his rookie season. To be honest, I didn’t think all that much of it. I mean, it was just preseason, even fucking Mark Sanchez puts up big number in those game. But this wasn’t just some flash in the pan preseason hero like Colt Brennan. This was the coronation of a fucking Bro King. Since that point, his on field performance could only be described as Bo Jackson in Techmo Super Bowl on fucking steroids, but that’s not what makes him a Bro Icon. These days, it’s hard to open up Deadspin or ESPN without seeing a picture him getting wasted or “priming the motor” on some fucking Slam Piece. He’s our Ambassador to the rest of the World and he’s spreading the good news each and every day. He’s Rob Gronkowski – and he’s the fucking man.

#198 Yoga Pants

Girls will do fucking anything to get banged by Bros. Just fucking admit it - every action they take is done so that they can get to Pound Town as quickly and often as possible. To all you doubters out there, what the fuck do girls ever do that’s with the intention of anything different? Work hard in school and make their way to the top of the Corporate Ladder, you say? Yeah right, that’s just so they can make Bros bang them to get ahead in the company (e.g. Condoleezza Rice and Barack Obama (probably)). If girls had their way they’d lie around all fucking day eating tub after tub of Chunky Monkey while they watched some shitty show about how fucking awesome Oprah is or some shit. But come on, girls realize they could never get stuffed (by White guys at least) if they looked like King Hippo’s fucking twin sister, so they actually put some effort into their appearance.

#197 Playing Golf

Bros have no equal. We’re the best there is and that’s a fact. However, for some reason growing up, teachers, parents, and all those bullshit PBS shows always tried to tell us we’re the same as everyone else. I mean, honestly, give me a fucking break. If those poor kids that got into my private #111 High School on some bullshit need based scholarship were actually as good as I am, wouldn’t you think their parents could actually make enough money to, you know, AFFORD to send them to private school? Thank God there are still ways that we as Bros can prove that we’re superior to everyone else. While, due to Brocism, most competitions are now on an even playing field so that Bros no longer dominate, there are still a few games out there that belong to us. While #171 Lacrosse may indeed be the true Bro pastime, everyone knows Bros fucking love playing Golf.

#196 Calling Girls Fat

Why the fuck weren’t you invited to this party? Sure, the last time you were here one of your bros got fucking wasted and took a dump in their shower, but it’s not like they could prove it was you. Fucking Brocists. You can see some of the members of the house giving you the eye, but you’re fucking bigger than them. Plus they’re fucking pussies, so they’re not gonna start shit. As you and your bros start laughing about how some fucking loser had to clean up your bro’s shit last time, you feel a tug at your sleeve. You dart your neck around expecting to see some hot slut chomping at the bit to give you a #145 BJ outside next to the trash cans, but there’s no one to be seen.

“AHEM,” calls the voice from directly below you. She’s like 4’11’’ and shaped like the fucking Pillsbury Dough Boy.

#195 Hating Police

Bros fucking love Gangster Rap. But it’s not because we grew up in the fucking hood slinging rock on Crenshaw Boulevard - it’s because we are the Gangster Rappers. Every rap song ever written is about three things: #1 Getting fucked up, banging slam pieces, and talking about how #135 fucking loaded they are. Sound familiar? Only difference is we don’t have like a million kids running around, but that’s just because we’ve discovered ways to get girls #24 unpregnant.

#194 The Swimsuit Issue

Sports are fucking amazing. They give us highs. They give us lows. They give us heroes like the Yellow Mamba. And they even give us fucking losers like Andray Blatche who we can basically just #97 shit upon. For years, we’ve gotten much of our #129 Sports knowledge from a magazine - Sports Illustrated. But, in today’s World of instant information, why does this magazine actually still exist? The reason arrived in our mailboxes just last week as Kate Upton’s rack that would make a fucking cow jealous sent every guy in America from 6 to midnight: the Mother Fucking Swimsuit Issue.

#193 The Stride of Pride

Your head is pounding and you’ve got no fucking clue where you are. There’s some bitch lying next to you and judging from the fact that you’re naked, you’re pretty confident you banged last night. Who the fuck is this chick? She’s definitely not from your Slam Piece Rolodex. She seems pretty passed out so you grab her purse and try to find an ID so you can show your bros pictures of her on facebook. NICE!! $40 IN CASH! She won’t miss this. Besides, that’s a pretty good deal for the best sex of her fucking life. Now it’s time to get the fuck out of here.

#192 Pranks

Nobody fucks with Bros. I mean, sure they fucking try, but it’s pretty much just a death wish. If any Bro-Hater ever fucks with me or my Bros, you better believe there’s gonna be a fucking war. Now, even though we’ve seen every episode of #73 The Wire, that doesn’t mean wars entail “tooling up” or fucking beating the shit out of some Hoppers on the corner with baseball bats. Fuck that – we’re not trying to “catch a body like that” as hardcore gangster rapper/Degrassi High alumnus Drake once said. Instead, we hit those motherfuckers where it hurts. We prank the shit out of them.

#191 Being Assholes

What the fuck happened last night? The last thing you remember from the bar is getting paid 10 dollars and a Slim Jim to #97 take a dump on the Women’s bathroom floor. You vaguely remember some girl screaming at you to stop, but you just gave her the fucking finger and kept reading some ESPN article on your iPhone. Just as you’re nodding your head thinking you couldn’t possibly get any more amazing, you see it. There’s a fucking girl in your bed. Who the fuck is that? You check your phone and find you sent out a mass #122 text at 2am: “What arre yoju up to?” with only one response from a girl that apparently goes by the #28 name, “Wendy’s Slut (fat).” Oh fuck, you went Dumpster Diving. Under normal circumstances, you’d be fucking pumped at banging with some girl when you had a BAC that would legally classify you as dead in 5 states, but this girl isn’t anything to celebrate – she’s fucking busted. And not “would only do her after 5 beers busted,” I’m talking fucking Ursula from “Little Mermaid” aka the “Khloe Kardashian of the Sea” busted. She needs to fucking go.

#190 Snow Days

I can’t believe this shit is almost over. It seriously feels like football just fucking started. As amazing as the buildup and ultimate shit show that is #104 Super Bowl Sunday will be, the completion of the NFL season leads to one of the worst stretches of the year where the closest thing we have to sports “entertainment” is Kenny Smith arguing with himself about whether Ernie Johnson or Charles Barkley look better in a fucking photo-shopped sombrero and mustache. Even worse, it’s almost as if hot Slam Pieces are fucking allergic to cold, since they’re nowhere to be found. Sure, it’s true that most Slam Pieces fly South of Bros’ belts for Winter, but still, it’s not like the fucking Summertime lay-up line. So, over the next couple months, with football and slam pieces (for the most part) out of the picture, what the fuck is there to look forward to? Why the fuck should we even drag ourselves out of bed? Because Winter means one thing: mother fucking Snow Days.

#189 Leading Girls On

Bros, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: Girls love getting banged as much and maybe even more than we love doing the banging. So why do they act like they don’t? Fucking society. Society says if you submit to your biological urges and bang every Bro you see, you’re fucking unnatural. Now why the fuck did this happen? One word: Jealousy. All the fucking fat, ugly bitches who Bros obviously would never want to touch unless we’re AT LEAST 20 beers deep AND on a worse #78 cold streak than the Angels before that loser orphan kid started hallucinating and flapping his arms like some fucking retard decided they wouldn’t take this shit anymore. So they invented the word “Slut.”

#188 Christmas Parties

Bros don’t need a reason to fucking party. We throw down non-stop all year long. But shockingly, since fucking “normal” people aka losers don’t have our perfect genetic makeup, they can’t hang 365 days a year, so instead they created a few days where even they have no excuse but to celebrate. They call them “Holidays.” #99 New Years Eve, #86 Halloween, and even the made up Hallmark bullshit #151 Valentine’s Day definitely fit into this category, however the blowouts for all those holidays only last one day. There’s only special Holiday that last for an entire fucking month. It’s Christmas season, and that can mean only one thing, mother fucking Christmas Parties.